Curioser and curioser.

Have you noticed how absurdly pretentious menu descriptions have become lately?

Chef is a straightforward kind of a guy,hence his menus reflect that.
In his own words he wants: 'no floated, boated,moated,kissed,caressed or pillowed'(and yes we have seen each of these words incorporated into menus to describe dishes).

The current craze is to name the provenance of every ingredient on your menu.With our menus we've always simply stated what each particular dish is, then another blackboard denotes which farms the days various meats have originated.All quite low key,like us....



We began doing this with our previous business(a small restaurant) and in those days it hadn't really been seen very much.
It even gained us a mention on the local radio station.

Since those days, its become very trendy and (dare I say it) in many cases more of a marketing tool,than a commitment to support the local economy or any desire to reduce one's carbon footprint..

Whilst its important to let your customers know that you are supporting local suppliers and buying quality seasonal ingredients,in some instances I think things have become a bit silly.

For any would be restaurateur wishing to adopt this nature of menu here is the blueprint for a typical menu item:
(You can substitute your own particular geographic references as necessary)


(Insert: Farmers /Farm name)(insert: breed of pork)sausages,with(insert: Variety)mash,(insert: village name)onion and(insert:village name)sage gravy.

Thus,'Sausage and mash with onion gravy' becomes:

Farmer Bells Mill Vale Farm Gloucester Old Spot Sausages,Heritage Pentland Dell mash,Buttsfield onion and Buttsfield sage gravy.

Its all a bit daft isn't it?

Similarly I've noticed a growing popularity for the phrase 'Salad of'
The following example observed in a nearby eaterie:

'Salad of Country ham with Sunny Hill Farm soft boiled free range hen egg'.
I suppose 'country' as opposed to 'city'? and 'Hen egg' WTF??
What a bloody pompous description for a simple Ham and Egg salad.
I predict the next development will be to name the breed of hen.

Now for pudding(and the one which annoys me the most):

'Northumbria Burnt cream'

I mean visit any pub/restaurant ANYWHERE in Northumberland and its highly unlikely that their milk/cream will be coming from outside the county whether they care about provenance or not.
Lets just call a Crème Brûlée a Crème Brûlée and be done with it.

I'm also a bit suspicious of the motives of a menu written in this manner,I'm not convinced of its sincerity.It smacks of keeping to the marketing plan at all costs.I can just imagine the token packs of local produce displayed in the fridge whilst the catering butcher pulls up at the back door..

An acquaintance of chefs(also a chef)dropped by a few weeks ago and noted that we had raspberries on the pudding menu.Noting that there was a pick your own farm nearby Acquaintance chef enquired why didn't we have 'Insert:Pick your own farm name raspberries' on the menu.
Because they're Scottish, advised Chef.
Acquaintance chuckled..well all you do is keep one punnet of pick your own rasps in the fridge and Bobs your uncle.Jobs a good 'un.
Chef shook his head in despair.

Lately though, I'm afraid some of the naming stuff has crept onto our own menu.What were once simply Lamb chops have now become 'Picton Farm lamb chops'.Just in case we sell ourselves short don't you know,people are regrettably impressed with spiel.Its caused a little friction in paradise due to Chefs less than enthusiastic support,but the important point is to keep the balance right without appearing to be a raving lunatic.We've agreed that the main item only can be referenced, if appropriate.I think its a good compromise.
We also refrain from listing every single component of each dish.

So now Coley becomes 'North Sea Coley'
Rib of Beef -'Northumbria rib of beef'
etc.

Let consider chips.Chef's pet hate is the phrase 'hand cut chips' These items are invariably evil,perfectly oblong shaped abominations which are piled up into a cube like fence,reminiscent of a sheep fold.Usually dark brown, soggy and raw in the middle,the fact that they are hand cut is of no consolation.Personally the idea that some individual has handled every chip and painstakingly built the cube is enough to put me off.Whenever we see this phrase we usually request frites.
On our own menu wherever chips are included(be they a humble bowl or a steak accompaniment)they are all randomly hand cut and properly cooked.There's no special price or mention on the menu.
Recently though, I overheard a diner commenting to her companion:these are real chips!
I mentioned this to Chef and suggested that we might want to list them as 'real chips' on the menu.

Chef:What???What other sort is there ?? Fake chips???There is no way that is going on the menu.

He was right of course.Better to let the punters order and be pleasantly surprised that they were actually made from potatoes.

Keeping the menu as simple as possible also helps avoid confusion.Diners are easily confused.
I wish I had a pound for every time a diner points out the blackboard and asks: Is that the menu.....?

Last week a diner asked: Is the North Sea Coley a fish...? Well pigs might fly but I sure ain't seen one that can swim yet..

Similarly, from another diner: What are the scallops?
Waitress:Scallops
Diner:Yes but scallops of what?
Waitress:Scallops
Diner:But what of?
Waitress:Scallops-little shellfish things(breast stroke arm movements-Fawlty style) that swim in the water...

Then another:
What is the Coley?
Waitress:Its a white fish
Diner:Yes but is it white or is it grey....?

Last week we had a diner refuse to pay for the kipper because there were BONES IN IT.


I could go on.
Perhaps just one more then.

Our butcher asked us to take a surplus of Chicken Livers which we made into pâté.Chef knocked up some onion marmalade to serve with it,not hugely exciting but ideal as a starter or light lunch and always a good seller.Obviously served with toast.

Yesterday a party of six ladies(county set sorts) arrived for lunch.Orders were taken and the meals prepared.
When the food was sent the waitress returned with one pâté portion:This wasn't ordered.
Chef:Yes it was,there it is on the order
Waitress:Well there's only one lady with no food and she's adamant she hasn't ordered the pâté.
Chef:Well go back and ask her what she did order then.

A couple of minutes later waitress returned bent over double with hands over her face.

Chef:Well?
Waitress:She says she ordered the ONION MARMALADE AND TOAST..
Chef:What???
Waitress:Yes that's what she said
Chef:Well go and take her the bloody pâté out and tell her it comes free with the onion marmalade and toast
Waitress:Nooooo..I can't...it'll be so embarrassing for her....I'm embarrassed for her..
Chef:JUST DO IT...Bloody hell if Id known I could get five bleeping quid for bleeping bloody toast and bleeping jam...

Now I guess you're wondering how this toe-curling incident could have happened,well actually its all my fault.
This is how I transcribed the item on the blackboard:

Chicken Liver and Cognac pâté,
onion marmalade and toast £5

whereas this would have been much less confusing:

Chicken Liver and Cognac pâté,onion marmalade and toast £5


In a weirdly synchronistic case of mistaken identity,yesterday a letter arrived in the post containing a sample of speciality tea bags.
This is how it was addressed:



Sadly, Biff Wellington isn't actually my name,but it does rhyme with my name (it has a certain 'Je ne sais quoi' doesn't it?),so we presumed this was just a case of someone geting confused.

However, today this arrived in the post,fortunately this is not my name(neither is it an invitation..):



Containing this:



Might get Chef to test them out later.

I wait with bated breath to see what the treats the postman brings tomorrow!

A Bientôt!

Biff x

PS. A while back we had a mention in The Week.Last night a regular brought us in a copy.Shall we frame it and hang it on the wall in a prominent position,then leave it there until it fades to an attractive sepia tone(provincial pub style)?
Methinks not.
Lets just put it out with the daily papers,hopefully a couple of customers will have the chance to notice it before someone lifts it.....

What a load of rubbish.

The Great British Waste Menu got me thinking about food waste.Not that I watched the programme, but I gather it involved a group of celebrity chefs who cook up some dishes,reputedly from food products which had been thrown away.Though I've no doubt that there would be vast quantities of waste food available for them to cook with,call me a cynic, but I bet the products they actually used were procured from the supermarkets and weren't actually sourced from the bins.If that is what they did I'm impressed.


Thinking about the masses of food thrown away both in homes and businesses made me think about the way we run our own business.

It may surprise you to learn that we have very little waste.
There are a few simple reasons why this is the case.

We have a small seasonal menu which changes daily depending on what is available.Keeping the menu seasonal means that products which are plentiful at particular times of the year are used,not wasted.It also means that you are using products when they are at their best and freshest.Changing the menu often also means there's no temptation to stock pile items in large quantities,once something is sold out its substituted with something different.

We buy small amounts of each item from small local suppliers who make daily deliveries.Buying small amounts means we never over order as next delivery is never far away.


We only buy what we need.If its not on the menu we don't buy it.Therefore there's never anything languishing unused at the back of the fridge.There are no impulse buys.

We need to make the business sustainable/make a profit.
We work to a budget therefore minimising on waste is fundamental to the success of the business.Using local suppliers means you have a rapport with the people you are buying from so they can advise you of good value items/things to avoid.This is a two way benefit.For example,our butcher supplies meats from his own farm and having a glut of Lamb chops last week which he needed to sell,asked us to put them on the menu,which we did at a good price.Problem solved.

If you think about it what I've described above is the typical household scenario of maybe 30-40 years ago and beyond.
If you applied the same principles to a modern day household food waste in this country would be significantly reduced.

There was a time when everyone's mother prepared and cooked food from scratch.This was the norm.The kitchen was the focal point of the house with everyone subconsciously absorbing the expertise that would enable them to recreate this in homes of their own.Sundays roast chicken carcass was made into soup for Monday.Bacon bones were free from the butcher and also made the most delicious soup.People lived within a budget.The accessibility of easy credit has taken away the urgency for careful menu planning.

Over the last few years in our local town we have lost:a fishmonger,two greengrocers,two butchers,a gentlemen's outfitters and various other typically provincial shops.
They've been replaced by value frozen food stores,a host of charity shops(enjoying zero rating status)and various beauty salons and gyms.All convenience or image orientated businesses.As I write this I cant believe that I've actually counted up a total of fourteen hairdressing salons and seven charity shops in a small 'market' town which now has no dedicated greengrocery shop.

Lets dispel some myths.How many times have you heard the following:
I cant afford to shop local its too expensive/I don't have time to trail around two or three different shops when I can buy everything under one roof.

Since we've had the pub my household expenses have been drastically reduced.That's not because we eat from the menu,its because I can plan what I want for the next day and have it delivered accordingly.Therefore I don't buy anything extra.I'm not doing a weekly shop in a large supermarket and buying what I think I might need and invariably buying extra in case we run short.Nor am I buying products which I will never use because its only a pound more to have two.Invariably this item will end up binned.
I'm not saying I never shop in the supermarket but I avoid buying fresh foods there.My one visit per week still usually involves an unnecessary purchase,but nowadays its usually a book.

As far as time goes,I defy anyone to spend less time buying two or three items in a supermarket and not being distracted by the other wares on sale.I've never ever come out of a supermarket and only purchased what I went in for.Walking around our local Tesco,then queueing at the inevitable checkout jam takes far longer than a quick visit to two or three specialist shops.

Supermarkets have been blamed for the requirement for producers to supply aesthetically pleasing fruit and vegetables which results in misshapen products or items which don't meet new stringent size guidelines being discarded.
This is a consumer driven trend which the supermarkets have gladly met.Its also something the self serve situation has propagated,who doesn't pick up their bag of grapes/oranges/broccoli and choose the best looking examples.Its an example of society's preoccupation with image.Along with the unnecessary plastic/polystyrene packaging designed to display everything to its best advantage thus creating more waste.Gone are the days when you visited your local greengrocer and were handed the items in an environmentally friendly brown paper bag or even better had the items simply dropped into your bag unadorned except for their own custom made skins,perfect to retain freshness.Or the fishmonger(or even fish and chip shop) and had your purchases wrapped in newspaper.

The introduction of Use by/Best before dates has also contributed massively to waste.A best before date is a guideline,but most foods reaching best before will be discarded.This includes items such as vegetables and fruit.Its easy to tell if a piece of fruit or a vegetable is OK to eat.Feel it and smell it,then eat it.

Its easy to blame the supermarkets,for the demise of the local specialist shop but the reason they weren't commercially viable was not because the supermarkets forced them out its because they weren't supported by consumers.
The masses demand increasingly more choice and more convenience.They want the option of eating strawberries in December and celeriac in June.
Society is moving away from a close relationship with the food we eat ever more towards convenience and a detached relationship and understanding of food provenance and preparation.

With ever more convenience products from complete meals to vegetables in washed format consumers are further distanced from food as a raw ingredient.Convenience demands washed salad leaves, ready chopped vegetables,cooked potato dishes,vegetable medleys all ready to microwave.Every possible ingredient can be purchased prepared ready for consumers to throw together in the semblance of a home cooked dish at the last minute.I suppose this is what happens in commercial restaurants.With the exception that the chef/cooks have actually pre prepared the ingredients themselves.
My own children having been brought up around food are quite comfortable with preparing food for themselves.Not so many of their friends.
This situation is not helped in school where the characteristic detachment to basic food contact seems to be prevalent.At Middle School during Food Technology classes use of knives was for Health and Safety reasons precluded(heaven forbid the little darlings cut themselves).Ingredients were prepared at home and taken into school in handy little pots ready to be combined to form the finished dish.Cling filmed or wrapped in foil.More waste.
In my school days an onion,carrot or potato were flung into a bag at the last minute,no effort involved.
One of the first things we learnt was how to dice an onion,peel and chop vegetables and other fundamental skills required to cook and I can't ever remember anyone losing a digit.

One of my children opted to take food Technology as a subject at GCSE and at A level.The requirement to take pre chopped prepared ingredients into school continued.Reputedly because timetable constraints did not allow these things to be done in school.I wondered how many mothers were at home preparing their son/daughters ingredients for the next day.When it came to assessments these skills had to be observed by the teacher.When son's report came home the Food Technology teacher noted he had 'a high degree of manual dexterity'.I felt quite proud, I wondered what skill he had shown to deserve this accolade.When I overheard mothers extolling the virtues of their son/daughters academic achievements I felt quite smug with the knowledge.
At the open evening the meaning of the phrase was revealed.

HE COULD DICE AN ONION,CHOP VEGETABLES AND HANDLE PASTRY.

How depressing that these skills which would have been taken for granted in previous generations were actually being lauded.
I began to think that you could actually go through school and choose Food Technology as a subject without ever having to become proficient in any of the practical skills.
Jamie Oliver would have been better advised to instigate some sort of teaching initiative aimed at familiarising children with basic food ingredients rather than the school dinners flop.

The Sensible One starts a degree course in Food and Nutrition in a couple of weeks time.When we visited his University of choice we were impressed with the State of the Art kitchens.One of the prospective students posed a question:
Do we supply our own ingredients?
The response was that all ingredients were included in the course fees.Our attention was directed to the numerous trolleys laden with each individual students required items.I'm hopeful not ready chopped and prepared but am reserving judgement as we were informed that kitchen time was at a premium. As students cooked using pans and utensils etc these were spirited away immediately to be washed and returned by specially employed ladies.
The Sensible One looked delighted.No washing up.How convenient.

On another level,The City and Guilds Chefs qualification was phased out a few years ago to be replaced by The NVQ system.City and Guilds gave every chef a basic grounding in all areas of classic cooking.Including making stocks/sauces from scratch.A couple of years ago when Chef was employed by one of the Big Hotel groups he was asked to take the NVQ assessors qualification in order to formally assess trainee chefs employed, in line with company policy .One of the assessed skills he had to observe was learning to make up a stock.From a packet.He didn't finish the qualification.
It wasn't long before we ventured out into self employment.

But what about the growth in Farmers markets/Farm Shops I hear you say.Surely this reveals a U-turn back to the traditional locally sourced products.
How many true Farm shops are there?Ones that can exist based on the produce that is actually produced on their own farm.Not many.Most need to stock an array of bought in products to attract customers,pretty jars with gingham checked lids,pot pourris and scented candles all specifically produced for the target market,all centrally sourced and distributed country wide.For most,visiting a Farm shop is a destination outing,not a means to buying the weekly shop.A day out.Many wouldn't exist without the tea room or other outside attraction.I'm not saying I don't like Farm Shops,I do,there are some very good ones which offer excellent individual products but they cant be viewed as a substitute to the dedicated local food shop.

We live near a market town where the once monthly farmers market has various stalls one of which is taken by the fishmonger who used to have a shop in town.How sad that a facility which was once available daily is now only available once a month.An opportunity to purchase sustainable fish from day boats not from trawlers dredging the deep ocean.
Whilst the farmers market is busy,its a niche market which attracts 'foodies' and also probably the few who supported the local shops.The many organic and specialist products on sale mean the Farmers market isn't accessible to all.I'm told that there's a quite rigorous selection process for anyone wanting to obtain a pitch at the farmers market.

At the twice weekly market shoppers have the benefit of a fruit and veg stall,but the biggest stall is the one selling CDs.Its no longer food oriented.
Looking at the latest reports available the growth in farm shops is heralded as a retail success,but the growth has to be seen in context with the closures of many local shops.I bet proportionally in the same period far more local food shops have been lost.
After I'd started writing this I noticed this article in the Guardian today.If true its worrying that yet more basic accessible to all stalls are jeopardised as a result of not meeting the elitist criteria of the market trustees.

This country needs some forward thinking town planners who could offer attractive business rates/incentives to local food shops in the same way that the Micro Breweries have been supported by the government in the Progressive Beer Duty which has resulted in an explosion of local breweries and the rejuvenation of a traditionally British industry.

Its a shame the value of the local shop isn't more widely recognised. If we're not careful soon the only options available will be at opposite ends of the spectrum,and worryingly the traditional atmosphere of our town centres will be lost forever.

Society's obsession with convenience/image is inherently to blame for the mountain of food waste experienced in this country.
Its a cultural problem.

Oh and one other thing, 6th-12th September is National Zero Waste Week sponsored by a packaging company(I'm sure that's a contradiction in terms)and endorsed by chef Brian Turner.

Schadenfreude.

The following is an exact transcript of a letter sent to our local council in appeal against a parking ticket.

Dear Sir,
I received this ticket on(date) because I was parked in a Disabled Bay without a badge.This ticket was issued correctly as I am not registered as disabled.However,at the present time I am receiving Augmentin(antibiotic)to clear up a condition called Orchitis,which affects men's testicles,making them swell, in my case to almost twice the size.This in turn is very uncomfortable and renders even walking very painful.Hence when there was no close parking bays adjacent to the shop(and three empty disabled bays)this was my only real option to minimise discomfort.
To verify the above you may contact my GP(contact details enclosed).He diagnosed my condition last Friday.I have also enclosed a print out description of Orchitis plus an empty packet of my prescribed antibiotics.If you require a GP letter please let me know,the only issue being they usually charge £25 which is almost the charge for the ticket issued.
I trust you will take my appeal into consideration as I assure you that it is not easy writing about such a sensitive matter.
Additionally, I was only shopping for some shoes for my daughters christening on Sunday otherwise it would have been the last activity I would have undertaken.
I look forward to your reply in due course.



A compassionate response restores one's faith in local government.

And the madness continues..

The house has been a tad quieter this week and infinitely tidier.
Have I mentioned that Only Daughter and BG are twins?
Not obvious,given that they are the complete antithesis of each other in appearance, nature and interests.Their only shared likeness being their innate untidiness and their wildly curly hair(one blonde,one dark)for which I'm to blame.
They're both currently holidaying in typically contrasting style.

Only daughter,having conscientiously saved her wages to pay her air fare is currently resident at The Cosmoplitan,Singapore.

BG,on the other hand,whilst his sister enjoys the luxuries of on site pool,jacuzzi,gym and daily maid is billeted in somewhat more modest lodgings.Rendered incapable of the ability to save due to his weekly binge of spending on a whirlwind of weekend social activities, he is enjoying the pleasures of Wrostlers Barn,near Coniston Water in the Lake District.

Now, you may think that Only Daughter's far flung destination might pose the greatest torment.Not so, provided she was able to negotiate her flight connection in Dubai(which she did)she is now safely ensconced in the care of my beloved sis.Phew.

No,my concern lies with a group of 16/17 year old unsupervised boys.
Lets take a tour of their living accommodation and a peek at the luxuries afforded therein.



'secluded location just metres away from Coniston Water'



'two large gas lanterns providing light and a wood burning stove'



'raised sleeping platform'
Note the precarious means of access via rickety ladder requiring full control of ones mental faculties in order to negotiate safely.

There was some discussion/controversy regarding showering facilities available on site(clearly non exist).Given this information and having prior knowledge of the plentiful supply of baked beans taken along, I'm guessing that the air will be less than fragrant by now in Wrostlers Barn.

In summary,accommodation basically comprises a stone built two storey tent with additional inclusive hazards at no extra cost:

Deep Water
Fire
Ladders

Once other known teenage leisure activities are thrown into the mix,I'm not exactly inspired with certitude.
I've been keeping everything crossed and anxiously await his safe return tomorrow.

Meanwhile,back at the ranch,The Sensible One(in direction contravention of his name and reputation) was choosing a novel and highly original extra curricular activity in order to celebrate his A level successes and entry to his university of choice to study Food and Nutrition.

Together with three equally triumphant friends,he embarked on a leisurely drive around the surrounding villages and countryside.
Wearing balaclavas.

Astonishingly, this attracted a notable amount of attention and resulted in numerous telephone calls to the local police station from traumatised concerned members of the public.CCTV footage was painstakingly studied to establish the identity of the perpetrators.
As a result yours truly 'had 'er collar felt' last Friday.
Sorry,did I not mention that their vehicle of choice was in fact my own car?The one that costs me £1700 per annum to insure The Sensible One for?

You see,said Chef, I told you there were far too many people going to university these days.Four brains and between them not one clever enough to work out that careering around the countryside in a plausible impression of the Anthill Mob wasn't going to cause problems..

To which the Sensible One's only defence:Well its only an item of clothing, we weren't actually doing anything.
Which was true.Other than observing the reactions of innocent passers-by.

The upshot of the misdemeanour was that all four received a strong ticking off and were each fined £60 under Public Order Law.

Never mind,said Chef,they weren't actually robbing a bank.
Which was a comfort.

Yesterday afternoon,noting the severe weather warning announced on the radio,as predicted we experienced torrential and consistent rain throughout the afternoon.I was mindful of the home comforts afforded at Wrostlers Barn

What's up?said Chef
Self:Oh I was just watching the rivulets of rain as they make their way down the window and all join up together.Its quite soothing.

Chef:Come on were going out for dinner,I've booked a table.

Just in time.
I think he'd spotted the men in white coats on the horizon.

People love bad food.

I was reading this review the other day and it got me thinking.
Its an entertaining review which I enjoyed reading, but there's an angle which the writer probably hasn't considered possible.

Whilst the diners at the Aberdeen Angus Steak House appeared all to be tourists,I've no doubt that if the concept were to be rolled out nationwide it would be just as busy,but not exclusively with tourists.

If you like good food its a difficult concept to grasp,but actually,controversial though this may seem, there is a demand for bad food in this country.
Before we took the plunge into self employment, we ate at most of the pubs in the local area in the interests of market research and the obligatory business plan required by the bank.

The pubs we visited fell into five main categories:

The Straightforward Boozer
Wet sales only with snacks the only food offer.An increasing rarity in country areas,only really feasible in a town centre with high volume sales.

The Posh Pub.
The place to be seen.Food edible but not great, more focus on presentation,fancy plates and food piled vertiginously high.Lots of people, but not everyone eating.

The Bog Standard Pub
Nothing really to make it stand out,food not great, a bit tired and down at heel.

The Grotesque
Don't even go there.We were afraid to eat in some of these.

Lastly,

The Branded Chain Pub.
This most sinister of pubs, black boards professionally written,usually a concept brand run by a brewery.Probably most similar to the Aberdeen Angus Steak House mentioned in the review.Food abysmal.



The majority of the pubs visited varied from atrocious to marginally bad.In a thirty mile radius there were only two pubs serving the type of food we would willingly pay for.There seemed a definite gap in the market for somewhere serving decent food.We could clean up.

As the research progressed,there emerged a worrying pattern.There was a certain type of place which despite serving crap food was exceptionally busy.
The Branded Chain Pub.
Though the food was invariably notably inferior to that on offer at both the Posh Pub and in some cases the Bog Standard Pub,they were unfailingly,consistently mobbed.
The menus at the Branded Chain Pub offer a multitude of options and variations.
Specials boards,"lite bites",sandwiches(wraps,baguettes,rolls,sliced bread),classics,from the grill,fresh from the ocean etc,etc.So much choice that if you know anything you know everything is straight from freezer to plate,no skill required to produce.All centrally sourced,cheap ingredients yielding maximum profits.

In one local Branded Chain Pub we noted that some bright spark in head office had clearly picked up on the trend for specifying food provenance, but had totally missed the point.The menu read like a whistle stop tour of the British Isles and beyond.Particularly nauseating were the "freshly baked white rolls served with Somerset butter swirls" In Northumberland.
But no matter,to the average Branded Chain Pub diner 'food miles' is the distance from their front door to the nearest Chef and Brewer.

It took us a while to get our heads around what we had uncovered.We were dismayed but went ahead with our plans.Eventually, we came to accept that there was indeed a significant market for crap food.Moreover, the market for crap food is actually bigger than the market for decent food.Its no accident that places like the Aberdeen Angus Steak House and the local Chef and Brewer survive.They do more than that,they thrive because they exist to meet a massive demand.So next time you pass by, don't feel outraged that they exist,the diners inside are enjoying themselves,they like it there.

Known within the trade as the "Scampi and Chips crew" these particular diners don't want freshly cooked food.Their palate is honed to appreciate pre prepared reheated meals which require no skill to prepare.We can spot them when they come in the pub.Its easy,they scan the menu,look uncomfortable then ask if that's the 'only menu'.The ones who do stay and order food stare incredulously when you explain that there's no children's menu.What nothing for children?Well hold on, here's a novel concept, why not let them eat the same as you, except maybe a smaller portion?
In the absence of chicken nuggets, I'm constantly depressed by the increasing number of parents who choose to feed their offspring "plain pasta no olive oil or butter with some grated cheddar on top".Not exactly providing any of the requisite five a day..

Without wishing to get into a Jamie Oliver style rant,though his intentions were admirable,it was clearly manifest from the outset that the school dinners initiative was fatally flawed.People cant be forced to eat food which they have no taste for.Taste for food is instilled at home and at an early age.The truth is people aren't being forced to eat bad food,they want to,hence the pasties through the school perimeter fence debacle.

I fear the current generation could be the worst affected,fed on an increasing diet of convenience foods there are fewer parents who cook at home than ever before.

The other night,out of interest we took a trip over to the nearest Branded Chain Pub,just to see if anything had changed since our last visit.
It was still heaving.
As we approached the bar an Ethel Stout type character greeted us:

Are You's wanting to eat?
Chef:No thanks, just drinks..

A pro written A-board barred our entrance to the coveted dining area, lest drinkers commandeer valuable eating spots:PLEASE WAIT TO BE SEATED.

Recalling from a prior visit that the wine selection was gross wasn't that enamouring,I spotted a solitary miniature bottle of Lanson champagne in the bar fridge.

Self: Can I have that small champagne please?

Ethel:Is it your birthday??

Self:No I just fancied it..

Ethel:Why don't you get the big bottle it'll be cheaper?

Self:No,I only want a small one

Ethel:But you can take it home.

Self:No it'll be flat by the time I get home

Ethel:What about some sparkling wine, that'll be cheaper..

By this time I was getting frantic, I could see the wee bottle just out of reach, if she doesn't give it me now I'm going to lamp her..

Self:No, give me the champagne - its what I want.

Ethel:Okaaaay..

Raising her eyebrows and giving Chef a knowing look(I can see you've got your hands full with that one, pet),Ethel reached down and begrudgingly proffered the prized bottle.



We retired to the tall stool area specifically allocated for drinkers.
I had just managed to take a sneak photo of one of the many menus before Ethel's voice boomed out.

Are you enjoying your Champagne then?

Self:Yes thanks.

Twenty sets of eyes within close proximity fixed their sights on me as I decadently necked the last of the Champagne, and it wasn't even my birthday.

I turned to Chef:
That's it,I'm done,lets go.



Chef shook his head in disbelief as he gazed at the caption 'Chicago Chicken' on the classics menu.Classic from where??Its a British pub classic of course.
( Can I suggest you zoom in on this item to fully appreciate its constituent ingredients)

When we arrived home Only Daughter was at the computer attempting to check in on line and select her preferred seat,in preparation for her much awaited trip overseas.

She called me over.

Only Daughter: Mum,what's a bland meal?
Self:What do you mean?
Only Daughter:It says here in the in flight meal options 'Bland meal' You can pre order it.

There it was in black and white right between Gluten Free and Vegan.
'Bland Meal'

Self:Well I suppose its exactly what it says.
Only Daughter:But who on earth would want to eat a bland meal?

I was about to respond by saying I have no idea,but stopped myself.
Unfortunately, I know only too well ....


The writing is on the wall for the future generation of generic eaters-in- waiting.


This morning, I deposited Only Daughter at Newcastle International for her first unaccompanied trip abroad.Armed with a healthy appetite and a Makansutra Guide,courtesy of Amazon,I've no doubt whatsoever that she will seek out some tasty scran,in spite being a tourist...

News update from Up North

Nothing notable or hugely interesting has happened this week,apart from being hideously and constantly busy.
Chefs latest pearl of wisdom this afternoon was:I know now what it must have been like to be on the slave ships;intense heat and sleep deprivation.Nice.

I think he was feeling the aftermath of yesterday,we hosted three events back to back.
A wedding(which went swimmingly and without a hitch),see cake below,I think it turned out quite well but I'm not sure if I'm a bit of a traditionalist.What do you think?




A "golfers" do which turned out to be actually a rugby tour of young 20 something jocks,Scots.Best quip from one of their party:Oh so glad you're OK,I know Rothbury's only a short distance away.Mildly amusing the first time we heard it but wore thin after a time.
We suspected the booking wasn't as it purported when one of the party arrived dressed in a sequin frock and Dolly Parton inspired wig.Together with the vuvuzela they brought along you could say it wasn't the usual clientèle you would expect in a genteel country pub.Especially when the rendition of Queen hits kicked off..

The booking had been made quite some time ago but earlier in the week we had been called and informed that all 25 of them would be having steak and chips.Hmmm said chef I wouldn't have taken the booking if Id known they were only having a main course.(We are usually fully booked on a Friday and most people don't just come in and have one course)
Self:Yes but we've never excluded anyone just because they're not spending enough. (I'm far too kind)
So the booking went ahead.

The room was devastated.Grilled tomatoes and sticky drinks spillages all over my lovely wooden floor.Hey ho, no permanent damage though.

The room was quickly reset for the last function of the day.The footballers presentation.Just a local team but they meet at the pub every Friday night.
Surprise, surprise yours truly was unexpectedly presented with an award:
The Zaira nara top WAG award.I would like to claim Zaira and me share an uncanny likeness, but sadly that's not the case.Not the type of award I would normally covet but gratefully accepted anyway.Its nice to be appreciated.I'm still basking in the glory today....



and admiring the lovely bouquet I was presented with.

And all this on top of our normal daily business!

Finally,I had to share with you this lovely picture of the two pigeon chicks which have just hatched outside our kitchen window..don't they look like ducks??



Time permitting, I'll be posting my planned item tomorrow which includes some goss on the Sol Campbell/Barrett wedding and also a review!

The day Kate Moss dropped by...

Last Friday night,as one of our regulars chatted to Chef at the bar, he casually bemoaned the fact that his usual and much anticipated leisurely Saturday afternoon pint and browse of the papers must be forgone this week. Annoyingly,his presence was required elsewhere,namely helping out (in his capacity as husband of one of the leading lights of the PTA) at our local village primary school fete.

Come Saturday lunchtime, the weather was glorious,perfect for enjoying a relaxing cool beer in the garden,a fact which Chef duly noted and which prompted the cheeky little message which he subsequently sent to said regular:

Kate Moss is drinking Mojitos in the garden.

To which said regular replied:

Really????

There then followed a quite lengthy delay prior to Chefs next message response.This was due to the high volume of orders which rapidly backed up in the kitchen.At times such as this,there is no opportunity to check ones phone for messages,let alone respond.

This delay proved crucial in the unforeseen events which unfolded.

It was two further hours before Chefs next response:

Covent Garden....


Come early evening,said regular arrived at the pub in good spirits(tasks satisfactorily completed),ready for a well earned beer and some craic.Light heartedly,he informed Chef that by the time he'd received the message "Covent Garden" he had already spread the word amongst most of the parents at the school Fete regarding our surprise celebrity visitor.The story had gained momentum throughout the course of the afternoon. (So much so that one of our staff arriving at work the following Monday,informed us that two of her friends had actually spoken to Kate Moss in the garden last Saturday....)

At this point,Chef related the story to me.
Self:OMG what if it makes the local paper??
Don't be stupid-if it does we'll just deny all knowledge...haven't you heard of "no comment"...

As a food led pub,our bar takings are always reasonably predictable.Obviously, there's a bit of variation depending on outside influences such as the weather,but the food till is undoubtedly the "cash cow".

Later that night as Fagin Chef totted up the days takings his eyes gleamed mischievously..

Mmmm the bar was busy today.

Self:Ah yes, it was a really lovely afternoon.

Nothing to do with the fact Kate Moss was in the garden then??


Reality leaves a lot to the imagination. ~John Lennon

I couldn't help but think that sometimes the line between reality and hype is really fuzzy....

These events highlighted some important issues:

a.The impact of social media as an immediate and powerful marketing tool(Ah- but you knew that anyway,didn't you?)

b.Were takings at the annual school fundraising event inexplicably and disappointingly low????(Note to self:make more generous donation next year)

lastly and most importantly:

c.WTF was Kate Moss doing drinking cocktails in a provincial pub garden????


As its some years now since I graduated from Cocktail school,I thought Id better brush up on my technique.After all,you never know who might drop by next weekend...


The perfect Mojito

You will need:
Fresh mint(plenty of it)
White rum
Sugar syrup
Fresh limes
Sparkling water or soda

The original Cuban recipe called for spearmint but any mint is fine as long as its fresh.We used apple mint as we have a humongous plant growing in the garden.
First, make some sugar syrup using 2 parts sugar to one part water,heat to dissolve then allow to cool.You can store this in the fridge and use as needed.
Bruise some mint leaves in the bottom of a sturdy glass and add some sugar syrup.Add the white rum,some fresh lime juice and top up with sparkling water and plenty of ice.Stir vigorously.Garnish with mint sprigs and a wedge of lime.
I haven't specified exact quantities as that defies the point,its best thrown together spontaneously(in the Cuban manner) and to your own taste!



Chin,chin!

PS Whilst drinking these I strongly recommend you listen to anything Alex Cuba.I particularly like this tune.

Ordering "off menu"

The majority of customers eat from the menu.They book a table,turn up on time and order from the list of options presented to them.

However,if one intends to run a successful food business,then some degree of flexibility is required.For example;diners with food allergies or medical conditions which I wrote about here.Or, as we don't provide a children's menu,offering smaller portions or improvising using the ingredients available to us as necessary,is appropriate.

First a little background information.Cooking in a professional kitchen involves each menu item being broken down into its basic constituents,ingredients prepped,some par cooked,ready to be put together as required to form the finished dish.An organised prep fridge will reveal a myriad of little containers all lined up like soldiers,ready for the onslaught.Mise en Place.A good chef runs his kitchen with military precision.Service is the battle, any deviation from the plan can result in devastation and chaos.

Then,there are those who wish to make that foray into the unknown and "order off menu" for reasons best known to themselves.

There are certain rules to observe if you wish to pursue this route and avoid incurring the wrath of the kitchen.


Firstly,choose from the selection of ingredients which are available on the menu i.e. if you don't see it on the menu its unlikely we will have said item lurking in the back of the fridge.And, if we did, you probably wouldn't want to eat it.Quelle surprise!if its not on the menu we surely ain't going to buy it in...Would you??
Its called making a profit.

Secondly,choose your time.Its polite to avoid a complicated list of special requirements on a busy Saturday night service.Whilst chopping fresh tarragon and whisking egg yolks to make a Bearnaise sauce, for example, isn't difficult, it may well be infeasible whilst other orders are piling on and the actual items on menu are being cooked.In the kitchen we like things"close to the wire",it makes it more interesting,but we don't want the wire to snap.
Its called having consideration.

Thirdly, don't take the proverbial.If you ring ahead and reserve a table the assumption is that you will be having a meal.Diners who reserve tables are given preferential treatment in the table pecking order and on some occasions,if their luck is in, may well hit the prime table jackpot.So,if all you fancy is a couple of bowls of chips,just chance your luck on the day.
You know it makes sense.


Lastly,don't turn up late then expect to order a menu which bears no resemblance to the one provided,thus resulting in diners booked in afterwards who have had the decency to arrive on time,suffering delays.As Chef says:If they want to write the menu themselves why don't they stay at home and cook it themselves.
Its called manners.

Today we welcomed the mothers of all "order off menu" diners,during a very busy Saturday lunchtime service.
They booked a table in advance(for four).
They perused the menu.
There was "nothing they liked"
Here is the order:



I kid you not.
Note the smiley face symbol.This is kitchen code,it means:Please don't shout at me and/or send me back to tell them they cant have it.

An order such as this solicits either or all of the following responses usually in this order:

Who are they?(So we can make note for future reference)
What do they look like?(Any obvious outward signs of Merrick style abnormality that set them apart from the mass)
Where are they sitting?(So that we might glimpse the abomination ourselves)

But no,they look quite normal.

On this occasion there was a split second of hesitation as Chef took in the order.Self:We don't have to do it...Chef:Lets just do it and get rid of them....


Later, when things weren't quite so hectic, Chef peered through the prison like glass slit in the regulation fire retardant door which delineates Front of House from kitchen territory.
Look at them..munching on their fried egg sarnies,sitting in the prime spot....The bleepers.

Beam me up Scottie..

What I ate yesterday.

7am
Mug of Earl Grey Tea
(Don't bother speaking to me until I've had this)


8.30am
Glass of Cranberry and soda

10am
Bacon and grilled tomato sarnie made with 2 slices gluten free bread
Cappucino
Total Calories:500

Midday
Roast beef and Horseradish sarnie/2 slices gluten free bread
Mrs Crimbles gluten free chocolate brownie
Black coffee
Total calories:550

4.00pm
Half a bag of Mature Cheddar and red onion kettle chips(Family size)
Shared in the car with Chef en route to collecting Wheels from detention an appointment at school.Hmm, these taste fatty, says Chef.Yes, but fat is flavour.Agreed.
Total calories:500 (crikey)




5.30pm
Bowl of gluten free pasta with roasted celeriac and spring greens,
in a creamy sauce with wine and Parmesan
Bowl of mixed leaves with tomatoes,olives,red onion,French dressing.
Total calories:600



8.30pm
Three scoops of Panacotta and fudge ice cream,with double cream.
Black coffee
Total calories:350



11pm
Large glass of Sauvignon Blanc.
Regular pkt of McCoys.
Small pot of mixed olives marinated in chilli,red peppers,Herbs de Provence,garlic and olive oil.(Couldn't resist,made them this afternoon)
Total calories:300




In addition,grazing throughout the day,chips(probably a portion in total,tasting sauces and various other dishes).
Total calories:400

Also-3 bottles fizzy water:0 calories(toot toot!)


Note:I have approximated the calorific value after seeking advice on the internet.I haven't included drinks in the estimate,other than the Capuccino.

Do you think that's too much??
I wonder what you ate yesterday..

Chef's Nuts

No.. not those ones.Tut tut.Shame on you...If you've arrived here via some dubious google search,looking for gratuitous thrills this is not the place, so be off with you.

No folks,today a recipe,well,not so much a recipe,more of a suggestion.

We created these little plumptous beauties(sorry Nigella),as a bar snack.They are especially delicious served with cocktails.Mine's a Gin Martini made with Plymouth gin and an olive please.

Whoever was it that said "a good Martini is an olive with an alcohol rub"?Perfect metaphor.

First buy a selection of natural nuts..Pleease....I'm beginning to realise now this would be the perfect subject for Nigella ...Glances coyly at camera.



I bought mine at Waitrose.I look nothing like the other ladies shopping in their Anthropologie frocks,but what the hell,my money's as good as theirs.Or so Chef says..

For this batch we used peanuts and cashews.Almonds work really well also,it depends how solvent you are.

Next,place them in a baking tray and add:

Garlic cloves-bash them with the back of a knife to release the flavour but leave them whole(don't peel).

Fresh herbs(we used rosemary,thyme as we had them in the garden)
-use whatever you fancy,within reason, garden mint for example might not be the best idea.Woody type herbs are best,aim for a dry roasted effect.


Maldon sea salt and freshly ground black pepper.

Place in a moderate oven for around 15-20mins


Serve either:

a.immediately when warm-with cocktails; the smell is utterly delectable.

or

b.parcel up into small pots and sell at the bar,they make a very classy bar snack.




Note:if you plan to eat as a snack later/sell its best to place in a sealed container for a few days,shaking regularly to allow the flavours to permeate before selling/eating.

That is, if you can wait that long...

Two pints of lager and a packet of crisps

This weeks kitchen escape lead us to Hadrians Wall for a bracing walk.The Chap came too.



Hadrians Wall is a world Heritage site.The wall attracts over 1 million visitors every year, from all over the world.




In another life, I worked in PR for the National Trust and was based on the Wall for a season,hence the place is close to my heart.



There are two hostelries along the most visited stretch of the Wall between Steel Rigg and Houseteads;The Twice Brewed and The Milecastle Inn.
On past form, the Milecastle was the better bet for some post walk refreshments.
A quick glance over the menu(chalked on a board)revealed I might struggle here.I have Coeliac disease,which I know is my problem,not theirs.I prefer to think of it more as a condition than a disease, as when managed I suffer no ill effects.Management means eradicating all gluten from my diet.This isn't difficult when cooking at home, but can be more of a challenge when eating out.
Scanning most menus, I can usually identify immediately whether its going to be safe to eat.Basically, the main problem is "bought in" foods.Most contain wheat flour,or gluten in some form.The menu at the Milecastle boasted lots of different pie varieties,plus scampi,lasagne and that traditional British pub favourite Chicken Tikka Masala, experience told me this wasn't a place where the menu was cooked from scratch.
No problem,Ill just have some snacks,peanuts, crisps,and a cup of tea please,a healthy lunch.I went to take a seat in the beer garden,enjoying the view with the Chap, whilst Chef went to purchase said refreshments.





The Milecastle is in a stunning location.



Chef arrived presently with a solitary packet of plain crisps and a lager for each of us.




What no peanuts? or tea? They must have been exceptionally busy.
No, advised Chef,the only snack they sell are plain crisps and they don't serve tea, only coffee.Why not?? Any caterer knows that tea costs pence to serve and the GP margin is excellent.Much better than coffee which is also easy money.High yield for little effort.Whoever heard of a pub with no nuts? Don't they know that nuts make people thirsty=buy more drinks?

We were the only ones there.Apart from a group of three ladies drinking pints of lager during a pleasant Monday lunchtime session,empties stacked up on the table.I wondered if they were killing time before collecting their offspring from school.I'm not one to judge of course.

As the 3663 man wheeled his delivery to the back door of the pub, I dispelled all lingering thoughts that the usual snack selection were simply sold out.The three depressing boxes of Walkers plain crisps,amongst the various boxes of tinned and dry goods,enough to last until next week,said it all.

A good customer of ours, an energetic character who owns a successful wet led pub chain(applause), once gave me a very good piece of advice:

"Every person that walks through the door is an opportunity,don't just give them what they ask for, ask yourself every time,what else can I sell them?"

I couldn't help thinking that here was a place that wasn't taking advantage of the opportunities they have.Take away the unique location, the Wall and a captive audience, I wondered how they would fare.

Today, I was contacted by a call centre,gathering survey data on the current state of the pub trade in Britain.She informed me that another pub closes every 6 hours in Britain.
I'm not surprised.What do you think?