The Special Cheese Sarnie

We gazed out into the garden in the pre service calm before the storm, parasols gently fluttering in the pleasant sirroco blowing warmth into our faces,colourful blooms dancing in the sunlight.
At last a perfect summers day.
Despite this there was a feeling of impending doom.
'I think we're going to get arse-rodded today..'said the Blonde wistfully...
Which proved nothing if not an accurate prediction.
By the height of the lunchtime rush hour with only one remaining table free in the garden,a table of six eating inside decided they would 'go outside to eat their starters but would we keep their table reserved indoors in case they wanted to come back in'
Eh??
This is a new phenomena.
People expecting to reserve multiple tables.
A similar thing happened on the following evening.I was approached by a lady whom Id noticed sitting near the bar area earlier on.
'Excuse me that couple have sat at MY table '(pointing at a table in the middle of the dining area)
This puzzled me somewhat,I could see that the lady's companion remained comfortably seated at the table near the bar area.
'But don't you already have a table?' I say
'Yes we're sitting at a table over there but when we have our food we want to move over to that table,I already asked the girl on the bar if that was ok and she said it was'
'Yes but at that time there was no one sitting at that table,now there is so unfortunately you wont be able to sit there'
'Cant you move them?? It is my Birthday and I WANT to sit there..'
She was very persistent,right up to my face, almost threatening.
As it happens the couple who were sitting at the table normally like to sit over near the bar area but because all tables were taken and the bar being exceptionally busy they had taken a table further away from the bar than they would normally have liked.
'I'm afraid I cant ask someone to stand just so you can enjoy the benefit of two tables'
(Obviously two tables of two = four bums on seats not two..sigh..its a no brainer isn't it?)
I might have to start wrapping up pressies for the ones who want to play musical chairs...

We've also experienced another strange phenomena recently which is occurring with increasing regularity.
People reserving tables but omitting to mention that are bringing along X amount of children.
HELLO.. KNOCK, KNOCK on SCREEN.
Children are people too,they also require seats so if you don't book for them don't be disgruntled when we don't have any chairs left or a big enough table to sit you at.Unless you expect them to stand of course..
A large party experienced the repercussions of this error last Sunday when they had to sit out in the garden on a particularly blustery day after reserving a table for six then arriving with 5 additionals..

Please brace yourselves.We've had a serious complaint.Via e-mail no less:

My wife and I called in this evening for a drink and a sandwich having
> heard good things about your food.
(I bet your friends ordered a meal..)
> We ordered the Lake District cheddar and pickle sandwich each. I was told
> it came with a salad garnish.
(Please note the clue here is in the word garnish..)
> How disappointed we were when they arrived. Salad garnish consisted of a
> few very bitter leaves. No tomato, cucumber etc.
(Sorry about that,admittedly once outside the protection of the M25 one does expect to be provided with tomato,cucumber,red onion,grated carrot and perhaps even a segment of orange or two...)
> The main problem however, was the sandwich itself.
> The cheese and pickle did taste fine,(hoorah!) but the fact that the cheese was
> grated,(que??) and that it was served in a cheap white burger type bun was
> dreadful.
(oh dear,unforgivable..)
> All together it made it feel like we were in a roadside cafe, not
> somewhere we thought would provide us with a special experience.
(though the cheese and chutney sarnie is undoubtedly tasty, I'm struggling to come to terms with it being a special experience..am I missing something??..anyone??)
>
> Very disappointing indeed.

Here's my response:

I'm very sorry that you did not enjoy your experience.
Our sandwiches are all served with a simple salad garnish with french
dressing,our staff are advised to explain that the garnish consists of mixed
leaves only(Mache,curly endive,red chard and oak leaf lettuce).Im very sorry that
in your case this didnt happen.
The bread which we serve our sandwiches on is sourced from a Master baker,
 who delivers direct to us every morning.I can assure you this
bread is not cheap,the bun is a large Scotch Bap and not a burger bun.We did
trial two bakeries before deciding on this particular baker after canvassing
feedback from lunchtime diners.
Im not sure why the cheese being grated was a problem,this is more time
consuming for us,but we are of the opinion that this provides better
presentation than simply slicing the cheese.
We believe that at £4.50 our cheddar and chutney sandwich offers excellent
value for money,especially given the amount of good quality cheese and
homemade chutney.
We could buy cheaper but all the ingredients we use are carefully sourced,we
avoid mass produced products,most of our menu is sourced within
Northumberland as we are committed to supporting the local economy and
keeping food miles down.
Im really upset to think that you felt you were seated at a roadside cafe
this is really not the impression we strive to give,we spend a lot of time
and expense on creating what we hope is a pleasant environment both within
the pub and in the garden.
Had we known you were dissatisfied we would have been more than happy to
provide an alternative menu item which might have been more to your
taste.Perhaps a starter if you were looking for something light but a bit
more special than a simple sandwich?
If you would like to visit us again I would be happy to fulfil this offer.
Lastly I would like to thank you for taking time to write as we do
appreciate feedback from our customers,if you would like to discuss the cheese sandwich further
please dont hesitate to contact me.

I asked Chef to proof read the e-mail before I sent it.
He scratched his chin thoughtfully.
'Can I make a suggestion?'
Self:'Yes of course'
'Why don't you just send '---- off, you t---s'

That's why I'm in charge of PR and not him....

PS I haven't heard anything back yet. Perhaps my last paragraph may have got their backs up...

Reality Check

I'm beginning to worry that this blog is becoming a bit one dimensional,the thing is the majority of customers are actually very nice people and are beautifully behaved,but whichever way you dress it up, the story of a satisfied customer isn't exactly riveting reading:
'A very nice couple came for dinner,thoroughly enjoyed their meal and left us a generous tip'.
Its just not happening is it??
So,continuing synchronistically with the usual theme, last Tuesday we welcomed yet another difficult diner.
It was only as the plates were cleared that we became aware of a problem.
'The food was OK but I didn't get my Dijon mustard'
I was a tad confused by this statement.
'Did you request Dijon??'I say
'Yes I asked for French mustard but they brought me Mr Colmans English impersonation of a French mustard not actual Dijon'(glaring whilst continuing to dip the remnant chips into the pot of French mustard)..*gag*

Mr Colman the English imposter

'Just to let you know,had you asked for Dijon mustard we could have brought some for you...'I say...lamely.
'Its OK it doesn't matter,anyway its too late now'
As I walk away to deposit said plates in the kitchen I just catch the following:
'I've got some more feedback for her as well if she bothers to come back'
Sigh.
On my return to the table this:
'Whilst your Merlot is not off 'per se',the amount of sediment present in the glass,especially with a Chilean wine,is indicative that its been sitting on your shelf for some time..'
This statement is inherently wrong.Either the wine was off or it wasn't.By his own admission it wasn't actually off so what in fact was the complaint??
Resisting my initial overwhelming urge to say why don't you just STFU,

Tourettes on toast

(Chef is increasingly concerned I'm beginning to show signs of late onset Tourettes),instead I say :
'Oh,I'm very surprised to hear that,given that the Merlot is one of our best selling wines by the glass therefore the turnover of that particular wine is in fact very healthy,however if you were dissatisfied with the wine I would have been more than happy to provide you with an alternative' Big smile.
As I walked away I just caught the aside:
'Well if that's your attitude..'
We need to get tougher with people,if someone makes a completely unfounded accusation within earshot of other customers surely we are entitled to defend our reputation? I also always worry that it inspires further complaints.People do tend to have a flock instinct.
Needless to say,there was no gratuity.
I can already sense the tone of another furiously composed mobile Tripadvisor entry,truly Im constantly amazed by the high standard of peoples manual dexterity these days.
As I cleared the empty glasses from the table an unexpected incident made my day.

Reader,I've been waiting for months for something like this to happen,something mildly amusing but in keeping with the tone of m'blog.
*Klaxon* nice customer alert.
The gent on the table sited directly next to the complainer gestured me over.
'May we have one of those crappy bottles of Merlot that you've had sitting on the shelf for months please,if we may??'
Me faith in human natured restored and the unpleasant earlier exchanges hastily forgotten me feet barely touched the ground for the remainder of the lunchtime and the warm glow lastly fairly through to evening service...

Crappy Merlot

Now listen up you lot. This is important.We need to have a wee reality check.
One of you made a very sweet girl cry last week.This is completely unacceptable.
Ive been spending most of my time in the kitchen this week covering holiday leave.
On Thursday night we were very busy.
During the mayhem a couple of 'walk-ins' chanced by.
As checks were backed up in the kitchen we told the the very sweet waitress to let the couple know that they could eat but we were very busy and there would be a wait,but we would feed them as soon as we could.
They were served drinks and took a seat in the bar.
A short while later they called the waitress in question over and asked to order,at which point she came and checked with us in the kitchen to see how long the wait would be.
The couple were duly informed that we had a table x 15 to plate up ,followed by a 7,a couple of 3's and 2's.
All booked.
At this point the wife commenced an aggressive and relentless verbal onslaught culminating in the phrase
 'It will be a long time before we return here again'
The poor girl was reduced to tears.
Two things worry me  about this statement, they are the words 'long time' which invokes the proposition of the actual possibility that she might consider returning *at some point*and I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FARK SHE LOOKS LIKE.
Why do people think that food can magically be produced on demand no matter how many people are waiting?
Do they think that we have a boatload of food cooked off ready to serve just on the off chance that the whole of the Royal Battalion the Scots dragoon guards might drop by for an impromptu supper?
Oddly, we don't cook anything until you actually order it,our aim is to serve you decent food and to make a PROFIT.
Here is the most surprising fact.
We don't actually want to inconvenience you or make you wait around until you get annoyed and fractious,because surprisingly we want your cash..


Helpful hint:The point of a bookings system is to stagger bookings,therefore avoiding delays,which is beneficial for both the kitchen and customer,so if having to wait a while is a major inconvenience why not ring ahead and book a time instead of taking out your frustrations on some poor unsuspecting girl who both deserves better and isn't paid enough to field your abusive and uncalled for verbal diarrhoea.

Over and out.

Excuse me whilst I get the noose ready..

I've eavesdropped some particularly entertaining conversations this week.
Ive written before about the confusion over menus which regularly occurs.
Last Tuesday lunchtime as a couple in their forties were browsing our menus,I was just within earshot.
I overheard the wife pondering what came with the home baked ham and Pease pudding,then similarly the rump steak and fried onions.As they were reading from the sandwich menu I was mildly puzzled.I wondered what else they expected it to come with,though customers usually expect everything to come with something else thrown in gratis.
We used to have a bar snacks menu which included items such as Northumbria Rarebit toast. I'm afraid we sort of shot ourselves in the foot with that one as diners began to take up tables dining out at lunch-time for 1.95 each..sigh..then complaining that they were disappointed that 'it didn't come with anything' It was when they started to ask for a glass of tap water to accompany( can I have a slice of lemon in that please,and some ice just to give it a little 'something'..but obviously I wont be paying for it even though you buy the lemon,pay the member of staff to serve and wash the glass oh and don't forget the water its NOT ACTUALLY free,ever heard of a water meter and rates???)  that we finally knocked that one on the head...
*Breathe*

This is what the blackboard said:

Sarnies


Home baked ham with Pease pudding
Rump steak,fried onions Cos lettuce
Lake District Cheddar & Chutney
Local duck egg mayo
Locally cured bacon,lettuce and tomato


Chips and Aioli


I was just about to make my way over to explain that the sandwiches came with a salad garnish when I witnessed the following:
Husband:'I wonder if they do any sandwiches?'
Wife:'Oh yes they do,look at the top there it says 'sarnies',Ill just go and ask what fillings they have'
Husband:'Hang on its OK, they've got chips and ravioli look,at the bottom there, that's what I'm going to have'
Wife:'Yes me too...'

Sometimes you just have to lead people by the hand..


Last night a gentleman of Southern origin approached the bar.
'Excuse me,do you have any rums?'
Barmaid(helpfully):'Yes we have Lambs Navy and Bacardi'
The gent stood there momentarily mouth agape and in obvious confusion, no doubt wondering what the Hell she was on about.
At the time I was standing behind the bar pouring drinks for a table in the restaurant,I was immediately aware of the faux pas.
I managed to splutter out 'he's looking for a room' before exiting left to cellar in order to completely lose all semblance of composure.
Its a Northern thing you see we tend to accentuate the 'oooo' whereas people from other parts might read a 'buk' or ask for a 'rum'....

At the side of the bar next to the food till we have a blackboard which tells people where the days meats have originated,thus:

Now as a rule diners are VERY specific about what they want to order,going into great detail regarding the accompaniments to each dish,often interchanging menu items,making up their own accompaniments.Recently we had a diner who ordered a meal and was very insistent that no ingredient on the plate must come into contact with another ingredient(even though she was going to eat them all),needless to say the sauce to be served separately in a boat..
Similarly people can be very specific about which table they sit at to eat their meal,not being able to sit at the first choice of table can often result in a defamatory review on Tripadvisor.
Recently a couple came into the bar for lunch,they had been waiting outside for us to open for at least ten minutes.On gaining entry the wife frantically tried out at least six tables before other diners were able to sit down,then saying to the husband 'this is the one'.
The husband then asked to book the table  as they were going for a walk and would return for lunch in 40 minutes time.We reserved the table for them,on their return they consumed one bowl of soup and a portion of chips...
On Thursday evening a chap who had reserved a large table(10 people) for Sunday lunch came in to 'view' which table he would be seated at on the Sunday.
Now as a pub if you're not fully booked on a Sunday lunchtime you must be doing something seriously wrong.So as a rule we don't allocate tables until the last minute in order to maximise available table space,therefore coming to view your table on a Thursday evening isn't necessarily a good plan.
However,being a big table there were only really two options,I showed him our largest table in the dining room.
'Hmmm,Im not sure that'll be big enough,some of us are quite large people...'
'Oh'I say 'well that is our largest table.. and it is for ten people...'
What the feck are we supposed to do?Buy in bigger tables for bigger people??Or start going all airline and charging for an extra seat?
Chef sighed 'I suppose they'll be wanting extra Yorkshire's,roasties and veg but paying the same price as the regular sized people..'
I made a mental note to furnish the table with the sturdiest chairs in the pub and primed meself for trouble..
Worryingly,I'm increasingly finding myself sizing up the larger diners that enter the pub and willing them towards the sturdy chairs.
Perhaps its time to purchase a new batch,some are quite creaky....its only a question of time before the inevitable happens..




In light of the above I was very surprised this week when a diner asked to order 'the pork'.
'Oh' I say,would you like the Pork and black pudding terrine or the pork sausages?'
'No Id like the pork,from that board there' (pointing at the meat board)
'Ah I say' smiling and nodding encouragingly 'that's our meat sourcing board, that's to let you know which local farms our meat products have been sourced from this week.So(in best schoolteacher voice) 'the pork' refers to the pork terrine and the sausages.Similarly,'the beef'denotes the origins of our steaks,rib of beef and also the beef in Brown ale'
'Ah!!!' says the diner 'I see'
Thank the Lord the penny has dropped.
Self:'So,what can I get for you?'
Diner:'I'll have'the beef' please...'

Excuse me whilst I just get the noose ready...

Its always best to travel light...

Though I'm no photographer I've come to the conclusion that in certain locations its pretty difficult to take a bad photo.

A fine brew

'View through the window of the Shitmobile'

In contrast to previous form,Chef managed to pack our stuff in an actual suitcase.
Though admittedly, his reputation was rapidly restored with the revelation that his our toiletries were handily contained within a knotted doggy poop bag.
'Dont worry, its clean..'
Sigh.
Chef likes to travel light.
A three day break will typically involve minimal packing with sufficent clothing for the three days only and little deviation.
As in his work life every detail meticulously planned with no margin for error.
As we arrived at our first port of call I realised the freshly ironed shirts designated for evening wear remained conveniently hanging on the back of the bedroom door at home.
Being a casual kind of a guy, a flicker of delight flashed across Chefs face as he realised he might well have been gifted an unexpected reprieve and may indeed be dining out for the duration in favourite attire: t shirt and jeans.
Later that night we encountered our second wardrobe fail.
Id forgotten to pack my PJs.
'I'll just borrow one of your t shirts' I say.
Chef frowned,'But that's going to leave me one day short..'
'Its OK' I say 'we can buy you a couple of t shirts tomorrow...'

If you fancy a bit of clothes shopping,DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT go to Skye.
Please note,there are no shops on Skye selling regular clothing.
Things were getting desperate when on the final day and just prior to a nice meal out,and worryingly with Chef still no suitable and clean top to wear, we chanced on the Talisker distillery shop.

Lifesaver

Amidst the wonderful range of malt whisky were (joy of joys) a selection of t shirts...

That evening as we sat troughing our very nice meal and sipping a nice crisp Riesling which paired perfectly with the langoustines,I complimented Chef on his new smart attire.
 Glancing around furtively, then down at his discreetly branded frontage Chef was unconvinced.
'I look like an American tourist..'
Much later as we knocked back our post prandial Sammy B's( and aided in no small part by the unusual availability of chefs favourite brew), the mood had lightened somewhat.

 'They probably think we've won this in a competition' said Chef...
Snigger.
'One more for the road??'
Why not.

Brown soggy chips are the way forward..

We've had a bit of an issue with chips this week. To be honest they've been a bit ..well...brown,soggy and slightly sweet tasting.
Its to do with the spuds having a high sugar/starch content this time of year,resulting in the offending sweet tasting, brown flaccid specimen..

Brown chip fest

Chef was not best pleased.By Friday he was onto the fifth potato variety in an effort to produce his usual golden crisp product.
Come Saturday lunchtime his frustrations came to the fore.
'Do you know what? Id rather have a decent frozen chip than those b**tards'
'I'm surprised no ones complained' I say,supportively..
I was wincing visibly every time I delivered a plateful of the evil bleepers,steeling myself for the complaint which must surely come soon,but over the lunchtime period we actually had the chips complemented on several occasions,one punter even going so far as to say they were 'just like his dear old mother used to make'.
Due to the clement weather we were rammed all day.
At teatime,a bus-load of tourists arrived.Surprisingly they were accompanied by a bouncer who looked remarkably like the genial Harry Grout.
Southerners.
 I suspected they may have been cockneys,though admittedly I have no evidence to support this.

Chef peered through the kitchen door 'yes... definitely Southerners...you can tell by their cream crumpled slacks, flip flops and St Tropez glow'
Obviously that's not a sweeping generalisation.
Southerners have a completely different demeanour to your average Northerner.Dare I say they come across as cocky and perhaps slightly arrogant?
You see, your average Northumbrian punter will request a drink in the following fashion:
'Can I have a Pint of Amstel please'(actually they didn't request Amstel but that's what they got due to the absence of their chosen bev).
Whereas the Southern drinks order is a tad more presumptuous:
'Amstel-for-me'
Note the absence of the usual  PLEASE OR THANKYOU.
Momentarily I was slightly taken aback.
Conversely,every round I served, each of them offered me a drink and looked slightly surprised when I refused.
I think the offer of the drink is the thankyou.They were actually an amiable bunch after all.
I digress,after they'd eaten,a couple of the group called me over and enthused over the sub standard chips saying they were the best they'd ever eaten and they wished I'd come along and do the catering on their tour.
I was reiterating the conversation to Chef as Blonde Waitress burst into the kitchen,breathless and panting,the suggestion of a faint perspiration moustache apparent on her upper lip.
'Do you know who the guy at the bar is?'
'No'we say in unison.
'Its Alex Reid'
'Alex who???'We say in unison..
'He used to be married to Jordan..you know Katie Price??'
'Oh'Says chef disinterestedly... 'Who hasn't been married to Jordan?'
'No'Says the Blonde 'He's actually *pure* famous,I mean he's in Closer EVERY WEEK'
'Actually,I need to socialise more here on my days off, that's the fourth s'leb we've had in today..'
'I give up' ...said Chef.
Please don't start getting excited.
The other three were Z listers,actually they were less than Z.Yes, their s'leb ranking was quite possibly into negative equity.

As the night progressed the chip issue raised its head once more when a stray drinker wandered unfettered over to one of the dining tables and nicked a chip off someone's plate.
Well.
Yours truly had to have a word.
Unbelievably the culprits' justification for this disgraceful behaviour was that her partner had been telling her how delicious our chips were and she couldn't resist trying one.
'Here's a novel concept' I say 'why not consider ORDERING a portion then you can sit down and EAT them.....'

Toward the end of the night we were all flagging a bit.
Self:Can you get the lady on table 3 a Kir  please?
Blonde:An IKEA??
Self: No A KIR
Blonde:Whats that?
Self:You know,a Kir..a white wine with cassis.
Blonde:A white wine with SEASONING??
Self:Its ok,Ill do it..


In other news,the box of new whites I'd ordered for Chef arrived this week.
The web site of usual company we order from was down so I tried a new supplier.
Chef doesn't like change.
Anyhoo,just as I was about to click the order through I happened to notice a Chefs jacket in the bargain bucket.On the photo it looked exactly like your usual Chefs jacket..so I ordered FIVE..
However,when the jackets arrived all was not jolly.
From the front Chef looked ...well...like a Chef.
Reader,if you can remember the Kenny Everett character Angry of Mayfair,then you're on the right lines...

Angry of Mayfair

The whole of the back section of the jacket was comprised of a criss cross gauze creating a fetching string vest effect...

My popularity may be at an all time low, but I had a little chuckle to myself as I recalled the modesty of the catalogue description 'cooling lightweight jacket'..
I'm getting used to having Rab C Nesbitt around the kitchen.

Its going to be a long summer... however I do believe that brown soggy chips are the way forward.

Picky eater?

Being coeliac, I like to think I'm sympathetic towards diners with food allergies.
However,its always a good idea to let us know in advance if you have a detailed list of allergies.
This is beneficial for both parties.
1.It allows the kitchen to prepare.
2.It will allow you as a diner to enjoy an increased range of options rather than a very limited one.

This example a couple of weeks ago was bad enough:
(sorry had a photo of this but cant find it,new phone et al.I miss my BB *sob*)

Gluten free
Dairy Intolerant
No red meat or fish
Likes-chicken.

Notice the 'likes chicken' notation at the bottom of the check.
The fact that this diner likes chicken is of no relevance whatsoever given that there was no chicken on the menu therefore non available in the meat fridge.
Guess what?
If its not on the menu we don't bother to buy any in.This may come as a surprise but strangely we don't buy in a whole range of off menu ingredients just on the off chance a random diner might fancy any of them.
Throwing a weekly shed-load of unused ingredients in the bin wouldn't be doing our GP any good would it?
Last Friday night,however,ones patience was stretched to the hilt.
The following list of food intolerances was passed to the kitchen on a busy Friday night service,with no prior notification.

At best this is inconsiderate and at worst plain stupid.
Twenty four items including wheat,dairy,eggs and a plethora of other everyday ingredients.
 Here's an exact transcription:

Mrs Gibson's(I've changed the name to protect anonymity) food intolerances


Wheat
Dairy
Eggs
Tomatoes
Broccoli
Peas
Celery
Pepper
Chilli(dried and fresh including chilli paste)
Herbs(both dried and fresh with the exception of fresh coriander)
Bacon,pork,pancetta
Sausage
Salmon
Scallops
Crab
Olive oil
Vinegar(including balsamic)
Pasta
Nuts
Seeds including sesame seeds
Yeast
Onions and shallots
Lemon/citrus fruits


Chef shook his head in despair.
When the order was taken the lady with the dietary problem ordered the following:
 Starter:
Feta and watermelon salad with toasted pumpkin seeds(but no pumpkin seeds please).

'and presumably no dressing either' said Chef.'And what about the feta?Its says dairy intolerant on the list'
This caused a heated debate.Is the milk of any mammal considered dairy?Or is it just cows?The point is she didn't check to see if it was a goats cheese feta.Personally if I had as many allergies as this I would have been making absolutely sure everything I was served was ok.
A quick check back to the table and apparently she was 'fine' with feta.
Main course:
Grilled Coley with brown shrimp butter,new potatoes and purple sprouting broccoli..
A glance at the out of bounds list ruled out both the broccoli and the butter.And any olive oil or pepper to cook or season.
The fish was steamed and served with some alternative green vegetables.
We wavered over the brown shrimps.
I checked the list.
'No there's scallops on there but no mention of shrimps or even prawns come to that'

In an effort to make the dish look a little bit more interesting Chef scattered the brown shrimps over the top of the fish and sent it out.
A decision which  later proved ill advised.
Minutes later it was returned to the kitchen.
With the handy check-list grasped in my sweaty little paw, I steamed over to the table .
I enquired as to the problem with the dish.
'I cant eat shrimps'
Holding up the list I say:'We checked your list to see if shrimps were mentioned,see'(pointing at list and nodding encouragingly)'no mention...'

Reader,please brace yourself for the response.

'Oh... that list isn't exhaustive, its merely a guideline to the more commonly used ingredients which I'm allergic to..'


Trying desperately to rearrange my facial features so as not to convey my utter disgust,I retired to the kitchen to impart the bad news to Chef.
Sometimes the public are as difficult to read as a fecking James Joyce novel...

Later that night at Cutlery Corner,we were still discussing the absurdity of it all

Blonde: I cant stand picky eaters.
Self:Toootally.
Blonde:I had a boyfriend once who was a picky eater.I had to get rid of him because of it.Well actually there were two problems with him.The eating was one of them.Basically all he ate was bread,meat and chips.
Self:Awful...
Blonde:I mean,when I cook my man a nice meal I want him TO EAT IT.Not just sit there and pick out all the peas and beans..
Self: God yes.

We polish the cutlery in silence for a few minutes.

Self:What was the other problem?
Blonde:What Problem?
Self:You said there were two problems...With the boyfriend?
Blonde: Oh yes......His dental hygeine wasn't good enough.
Self:Eww.Probably a side effect of his bad diet...

As we polished the last of the cutlery I wondered what level of dental hygiene rendered the standard not 'good enough'..

Tales from Cutlery Corner

The twice daily ritual cutlery polishing is the job most staff prefer to dodge.

Personally I find it quite therapeutic,nothing can quite beat the satisfaction of creating a pristine and hygienically polished stick of cutlery.

Besides,the calibre of conversation at cutlery corner lately has seen a definite upturn...

Blonde Waitress:'Biff,do you believe in God?'

Self: 'Hmm,I believe in treating people in a Christian manner..but as an actual entity? Jury's still out on that one I'm afraid..'(nice deflection).

Blonde:'Nah,Me neither'...'have I ever told you about my plans to rewrite the bible?'

Self;'No......'

Blonde:'Well I've been thinking....if they want to attract more young people to their cult,they need to revamp it a bit...Update it'

Self:(pedantically sorting all the main course knives out first,more pleasure from a glinting shiny blade)'..........'

Blonde:'For example...Moses and the Burning Bush'...(adopts pulpit manner)
'Moses and God walking through the desert one day,smoking a spliff together.Off their trolleys...God tosses the spent spliff into the bushes which then catch fire.Moses jumps into the bush to put the fire out..' 

Extravagant had gesture..'Ta dah!

'Moses reappears from the bush'

...'Moses and the Burning Bush'...(looks hopefully at self)...

Moses extinguishes flames

'MUCH more believable, don't you think??'

Self:.................

Blonde: 'I once told that to a group of Christians,I thought they were going to HAVE me'

Then last night this.

Blonde: Have you seen the newspaper cutting that's being passed around the bar tonight?

Self:'No, what's it about?'

Blonde:'Well apparently there's a law being passed in Egypt which makes it legal for husbands to have 'relations' with their wives for up to 7 hours after their death'

Self;'What?Are you sure its not from the Sunday Sport?'

Blonde:'NO its real Ill go get it'

Self:(gives paper cursory glance)'Ah! The Daily Mail.The ultimate stamp of authentication(ironic face)..Grim'

Blonde:'I mean I cant see the point in that can you?'

Self:'Absolutely not'

(Exit left to kitchen to fetch another cutlery bucket).

Blonde:'I mean they're hardly going to get much feedback are they?'

Self:'Hold on....Lets just get this straight.. So what you're saying is the main problem with having a farewell flourish with a corpse is the LACK OF FEEDBACK???'

We both polish the remaining cutlery in thoughtful silence..

Add caption

Religion.Eh?

I'm thinking of making Cutlery Corner a regular feature...

Please don't mention Tripadvisor.

There was a table of four diners booked in yesterday lunchtime.
When the order was checked on in the kitchen it was noted that only one of the four was having a starter.
This is rude on two levels:

1.our aim being to extract as much cash as possible from you in order to increase our average spend per head,thus ultimately improving our GP,we would consider it far more polite if the whole table were to partake of a starter.

2.It takes a certain type of person to sit and eat a starter whilst the rest of the table sit patiently and watch, waiting for them to finish.

Most diners placed in this position will cancel when they realise they are the only taker.
When the starter was cleared,news filtered back to the kitchen that Table 3 would like a 'break' before the main courses were sent,thus extending the remaining threes wait for food even longer.

Well.

This always goes down well in the kitchen.
The thing is when a starter is cleared,your main course isn't going to appear immediately anyway.So any request for a break generally signifies a longer wait then the kitchen wants you to have, i.e they will have put your main course on to cook to coincide with starters being finished,factoring in a short break. Any request for a longer *rest* and all may not be as jolly as usual in the kitchen.
Increasingly,it became obvious that the lone starter fellow was in fact self appointed spokesperson for the table.
As I walked past he nodded at me and curtly pronounced 'we'll have the main courses now'.
Will you indeed.
Note the absence of a small but particularly important pleasantry.

When the bill was presented,the four were asked if everything was OK for them.
Spokespersons wife made the 'Comme Ci, Comme Ca'(sorry about the lack of a cedilla,must find out how to do that)hand movement along with that screwed up face action that signifies all is not well.

'Oh' I say 'what was the problem?'
'Well,it was OK..but don't you think its a very limited menu?'

I wanted to ask them why they'd chosen the least adventurous items on the menu ie  3 fish and chips and 1 sausage and mash,instead I went into the standard response: local ingredients,small menu, freshly cooked etc,I wont bore you with the full details, I'm sure you get the gist.
Then I say:
'Out of interest,what sort of things would you have liked to see on the menu?'

Self appointed spokespersons wife stuttered briefly before spokesperson interjected:
'That's not for us to say its for YOUR CHEF to decide'
Exactly.
'To be honest' said spokesperson 'we were very UNDERWHELMED, especially after seeing all those glowing reviews on TRIPADVISOR'

This is why Tripadvisor is wrong on so many levels.

Get a bad review and it may well put customers off.
Get a couple of good reviews and attract a clutch of new customers with expectations of a fine dining gourmet extravaganza who may well go away disappointed and disgruntled.
There is no winning.
I'm increasingly falling into Chefs viewpoint that its much better to keep a low profile.


'Don't worry' said spokesperson 'we will *try*you again..'


'Just so you know..' I say.. 'if you do visit again,the menu we have on today is representative both in quantity and style of what you may find if you visit again...'

That should do it.

I was still within earshot as they discussed the Tip.

'Well what shall we do about the tip?'
'10% is usual'
Spokesperson: 'Well I always give 5% towards service and 5% for the food.I don't have any issue at all with the service so we should leave 5%'
'OK so that's 2.50 each couple?'
Spokesperson:'Yes certainly no more than that.I mean I have been known to leave as much as 20% on occasion, if I'm very impressed, but no not today.Service yes,food,no...'
'OK 2.50 per couple it is'
'Yes that's more than generous..'

Reader,I had to restrain myself from going back over to the table and telling them that we might well live to fight another day without the flaming tip.

Instead I smiled my best winning smile and waved them out of the door before hurrying over to bash my head repeatedly against the daily changing blackboard menu..

How was your Bank Holiday weekend?

The first Bank Holiday of the year sees the re-emergence from their long winter slumber of the Day Tripper from the Toon.
Hunting in packs,and weakened by their long hibernation,they will seek out new feeding grounds,relentless in the search for their favourite sustenance.Its a dog eat dog situation with survival of only the fittest specimens,some will fall exhausted at the first hurdle,settling for the inferior 'plain pasta,no olive oil or butter, with grated cheddar cheese'.
The strongest however,will  press on, ruthlessly determined and unwavering,their overwhelming hunger spurring them ever onwards in their compelling quest for the ultimate prize....the Holy Grail...:

SCAMPI AND CHIPS.

Mindful of the above and keen to make use of our new additional fryer,Chef proposed a new menu item.
We've never served battered fish before,mainly because Chef doesn't like to taint the fryer with anything other chips.The last thing you want is chips with a fishy after taste,besides because we cater for the gluten free market we can ill afford any cross contamination.
Keen to do something a little bit different and with our veg suppliers' favourite mantra 'give the people what they want' ringing in my ears,I convinced Chef(against his better judgement),to serve the battered fish with a 'home made chip shop style curry sauce'.
On the Monday prior to the Bank Holiday,in the interests of market research, we made a  trip to our local chippy to purchase a container of the aforementioned curry sauce.
'Make sure you ask them how they make it' I say..
Presently Chef emerged with two cartons of sauce; a standard and an extra spicy version.The extra spicy was evil smelling,tasted vile and was immediately ditched.
We peered into the pot containing the milder standard yellow looking offer.
'Its not how I remembered it' I say 'back in the day it used to have bits in it,did you ask them how they made it?'
'Yes' replied Chef 'They buy it in a packet as a powder,boil the kettle and add water to it...'

Back at the ranch Chef perfected the curry recipe over the next few days.Eventually producing a concoction which contained real lumps of food,amongst other things,curry powder,sultanas and apple.
'That's it!'I exclaimed 'it tastes exactly like the powdered version!'
Chef adopted his deadpan face.
'That's the first time in my career I've been congratulated for recreating a dish which one can produce from a packet...'
In an attempt to upgrade the option Chef decided to provide a choice of two fish for battering:
A nice chunky North Sea Coley fillet or Monkfish wrapped in Parma ham.

The Coley option,the deep fried parsley made a pleasing fizz as it went into the fryer

Come Good Friday Bank Holiday the battered fish option was flying out.

Fryers in full swing

I was giving myself the first of many virtual pats on the back when I realised the repeated ringing of the bell was invoking mine and no one else's attendance in the kitchen.
Chef glared and gestured toward the check board.
'I knew it was only a question of time before that happened...'

Chips and curry sauce-great with Fosters..

Self:'Wind your neck in please before you bust a blood vessel'


By the end of the day the large pan of curry sauce had completely sold out,unfortunately the fish had not.


On the Saturday evening,as luck would have it I was again on Front of House duties when a very pleasant fellow dining with his wife and daughter gestured me over.
'Excuse me....my daughter's just been to the loo and I'm afraid someone has messed the toilet'
Dear God.I knew immediately that  the term 'messed' implied something far more substantial than a liquid spillage,indeed 'messed' is definitely a euphemism for a solid.
I donned surgeons gloves and entered the trap with trepidation.
Someone had fouled on the actual toilet seat.
Its surprising what you can deal with when you have to..*gag*.
I reported back to the table who had alerted me to the soiling incident.
'Its clean now if you want to use the toilet'
The young girl crossed her legs and looked unconvinced 'how does someone manage to do it there???'she asked.
'No idea..perhaps they're ambidextrous..'I say.

Bank Holiday Monday we were in overdrive.I felt a bit shakey by mid afternoon when Chef helpfully pointed out that Id eaten nothing but chocolate,crisps,chips,coffee and Lucozade since the Friday morning.
On the other hand he of course had eaten an altogether healthier Cardiac sandwich consisting predominately of Red Bull,Fosters,chocolate and salted peanuts..

I could see the light at the end of the tunnel however,when this encounter ocurred.
'Excuse me... what's your soup of the day today?'
'Its Potato and Lovage' I say
'Potato and ROUGHAGE?' said the chap
'No....L-O-V-A-G-E' I say,as I dash hastily past.
Presently I see the same chap waving me over to his table.
'What's lovage?'
'Its a herb,it tastes a bit like celery,its slightly peppery,we grow it in our garden'
Home grown in the garden,that'll seal the deal..I thought..
Looking to his wife'Shall we order some?'
'I'm not sure if Ill like it'
Husband: 'Can we taste some?Can you bring us an egg cup full of it and if we like it we'll order some'
At this point the place was heaving,the idea of providing samples of each dish to every customer did not appeal at all.
'I'm afraid I cant,we don't have a big pot of it boiling away,we only put some on if someone orders it,its really nice not an overpowering flavour,the potato is the main flavour'I smiled and nodded encouragingly.
Everyone knows potatoes.
'What other soups do you have?'
'Just the one variety(not 57 I thought..),its freshly made,a new batch every day'
Husband(looking at the wife again): 'Shall we order some?'
Wife:'No you know what I'm like with things I don't know...'

Christ Almighty.Its only a bowl of farking soup.

By this point the husband also had his head in his hands.
'Can I have one bowl of soup with two spoons please?'
'yes of course'
The bowl of soup was sent in due course with a SECOND order being sent to the kitchen very soon after.
The wife called me over to congratulate us on the soup.
It sounded like she had surprised herself
'I dont usually like things I don't know..'
The question Id like to ask is; how does she know she doesn't like them if she hasn't tried them?

Dear God.Give me strength.

 How was your Bank Holiday weekend?

PS I'm not sure the curry sauce idea will be getting a second airing...

Three Have a Wonderful Time.

Following our recent unfavourable experience over the border,we decided to book ourselves into more upmarket lodgings.


The cheapest most competitively priced room was described thus: 'a small room with bathroom en suite at the back of the lodge without a view'
I solicited Chefs input as to whether this room would be suitable for Only Daughter.
He smirked ..'What??That sounds like a broom cupboard with no windows above the garage...'
Lets be clear here,there is no such thing as a cheap room at this establishment,we erred on the side of caution however,and chose two mid range rooms.
On arrival we were greeted warmly and shown to the drawing room,complimentary fizz was offered which of course we accepted .This was a very nice touch.Got our stay off on the right foot.
OD's room was in the main building.A large traditionally decorated room ,with a big bed,spacious bathroom with convenient separate shower cubicle.
Our room was in the South Lodge about 50 metres from the main building.The room was nicely decorated, a bit smaller than ODs single occupancy room but with a lovely view over the Loch.

Pleasant Loch view

I peeked into the bathroom.I was surprised,it was small and quite basic with an over bath shower.Though to be fair I wasn't overly bothered.
'That explains the fizz' said Chef 'to soften the blow'
On further inspection I noted the presence of a small short and curly just next to the plughole in the bath.Now I'm not saying the bathroom wasn't clean, but  I'm afraid this one didn't quite pass the final and most important housekeeping check ;the under sink inspection and the fingertip tip search for stray personal flotsam.
Obviously, a single rogue item such as this can be easily missed,in fairness I periodically harvest enough hair to stuff a mattress from our own family bathroom,but the sight of someone else's public in the bath is an altogether different proposition and indeed very off-putting.
OD giggled hysterically at our obvious misfortune and the thought of her own nicely appointed bathroom.
A nice pot of calming tea in the South Lodge drawing room was in order, OD was despatched to the main building to place the order,Chef accompanied, expressing a desire to have a nose around Lady Claire MacDonald's shop which we had been informed during our brief tour of the facilities was 'open at all times'.
I settled down into the sumptuous sofa in front of the roaring log fire,taking due note of the honesty bar in the corner.
Presently I spied OD through the window on her way down the pathway from the main house bearing a huge hostess tray laden with full afternoon tea accoutrements.
Well.
Self service.
This surprised me somewhat.
We giggled.The tea was lovely,made with leaves and  in a nice china pot.
Minutes later Chef reappeared on the pathway.
'Was the shop shut?' I say
'No,but I didn't come all this way to buy a tattie masher'said Chef.
I drew Chefs attention to the Honesty Bar which raised the mood momentarily,then dashed again due to the absence of his beverage of choice.

Chef at leisure
(Any tips on Photo-shopping gratefully accepted.)

Following a leisurely afternoon we retired to our rooms to prepare for our evening meal.
Meeting for pre dinner cocktails in the lovely drawing room over at the main house.
Gin Martini with a twist for me,a very sweet purple cocktail for OD and a consolatory G and T for Chef due to the continuing drought of his own favourite beverage.
We were served canapés as we browsed the dinner menu.

Canapes

Note the three teaspoons,these were my gluten free options,goats cheese and Parma ham with pesto.I think I stumped the kitchen here.Dare I say this lacked imagination?Beggars cant be choosers though, I'm always grateful for anything.
There were a few couples dotted around the room on the cosy sofas.
Various guests were escorted through to the dining room,finally leaving us three and a pleasant looking couple with Yorkshire accents,chap sporting a jolly floral Boden shirt.
As we sat in silence  the unmistakeable sound of  creaking bed springs began to emanate from the room directly above.I caught Chefs eye and gestured upward.
He smirked.
The noise became louder,maintaining a steady but determined rhythmic pattern.
OD cottoned on,glanced delightedly over at the Yorkshire couple who simultaneously burst out laughing.
Chef regained some semblance of composure first:
'They should warn you about that on the internet'
The waiter who returned for our wine order wondered what had prompted the raucous laughter.Perhaps we should have told him.
Chef selected a wine which the waiter presently allowed me to OK..I was mildly surprised,a French tipple isn't Chefs usual choice.
As he returned from his fag break taking in some fresh air I commented.
'I didn't order French'
'Oops well you had better go tell them;- they showed me a bottle of Pouilly Fume, that's got to be the best part of £100 in a place like this'
We were shown to our table in the dining room and presented with our correct bottle of budget(£34) Antipodean plonk.We were advised by the waiter to leave it in the ice bucket a wee bit longer to chill.Obviously not a common choice..
OD requested a jug of tap water,I was surprised to see this served in a Laura Ashley style china jug with refreshing chunks of cucumber afloat within.Sometimes I think quirky is good but most of the time its just ....not.

The menu offered a choice of two starters, two mains and two puddings plus cheese.

The diners were mainly couples,gentlemen smartly attired with jacket and tie,(other than us of course)and a couple of fellows sat in the corner who were more casually dressed in combat trousers and checked shirts.
'We're paying for their meal' said Chef.
'What do you mean'
'Government funded scientists dining out at the tax payers expense'said Chef.
I looked over.They looked very comfortable.At one with their surroundings.Bored even.
'No they're a travel journalist and photographer from Conde Naste Traveller' I say.
Further evidence to support my theory was provided next morning when I spotted them down by the Loch with a very expensive looking wide angle lens camera.
'They could be monitoring the sea eagles' said Chef hopefully.
'I think you need to concede defeat on this one'I say..
I digress.
We were served a small pre starter a,shot glass of soup.Mine and ODs Slightly spiced pea.Chefs spiced red pepper.This puzzled me a bit.They were aware of our allergies(Chefs to fish,mine to gluten)so I couldn't work out why Chef had been given a different soup.Unless the pea soup contained fish stock.
Alternatively the red pepper was the gluten free option and was given to Chef in error.I suppose we'll never know.It was only a small amount so I took a chance and knocked it back.It was pleasant,but not as nice as the red pepper option,which Chef declared delicious.
A young couple entered the dining room and were seated at a cosy corner table .We eavesdropped the waiter offering congratulations and presenting a glass of fizz.
Johnnie Boden caught ODs eye,smiled and winked a knowing wink.
I felt a bit sorry for the honeymooners,they had no idea that half the restaurant had witnessed the sound track to their earlier performance.But ignorance is bliss of course.
Our starters arrived.
Pigs cheek,monkfish wrapped in parma ham with a passion fruit jus.Passion fruit.On Skye.Whatever next.

The pigs cheek was good,perfectly cooked.Sadly the monkfish had been cooked past the point of no return,not a drop of moisture left in it.
OD and Chef went for the beef fillet,I had sea bass.
The sea bass was OK.Garnished with deep fried leeks.Try eating these whilst maintaining a ladylike decorum.
'Are you keeping that bit for later?' said Chef...

The beef fillet was OK.Served with mash and a 'blue cheese mousse' which I tasted,I wouldn't have described it as mousse,it was rubbery in texture not very pleasant.Surprisingly,I forgot to take a picture of it.

To finish Chef and OD went for the cheese option,a selection of French and Scottish cheeses,of course with a snifter of Port.
I chose the 'very lemony tart'which I was advised could be adapted to accommodate my dietary problem.
This pudding did not work on any level.

The rubbery very lemony tart centre had been placed on top of a disc of overpowering sesame seed brittle.Surrounded by a cloyingly sweet whisky sauce.

'Personally I like my tarts with a bit of wobble' said Chef..
Perhaps its not fair to criticise a dish which had been altered to cater for a particular dietary requirement.
Its not often I leave anything.
Chef was underwhelmed.
'Do you know what was missing with that meal?'
Self:'What?'
'There was nothing fresh or vibrant about it'
We asked if we could have our coffee in the drawing room.

Petit fours

The monotone theme continued through to the petit fours.Madeleines,Turkish delight and Tablet which is a local Skye speciality,its a bit like fudge.They tasted nice.
Being a non coffee drinker,Chef declared a 'thirst like a dying man crawling out of the desert',at this point OD happened to be nosing around the bar and had spotted a couple of bottles of French lager in the bottom of the fridge which she pointed out to the waiter.He feigned surprise then begrudgingly served a bottle to Chef.
'You do realise you've nicked the Chefs private after service tipple'I say..
There was a charming senior couple already enjoying their coffees.It was a return visit for them,having enjoyed the luxury of Kinloch ten years previously.We chatted to them for a while before they retired to bed.
'Did you notice the lady was wearing pop socks?' said OD
'Yes, and yes I did spot that one was around her ankle' I say.
OD giggled.
'You'll be old too one day'I say.


On our return I thought Id have a quick look on Tw*tAdvisor, just to check out the general feel for the place.
I was hard pushed to find anything about the food which was other than complimentary ,though there were a number of gripes regarding the accommodation.(I learnt that the bathrooms for example are due to be upgraded soon).

It was a stunning location,the public areas were lovely to sit in and the staff were very helpful and friendly.
This place has a Michelin star.
Chefs eyebrows were raised.
Perhaps the food just wasn't to our taste.

The following evening we dined in another restaurant.As we were shown to our table we were amused to note the Conde Naste journalists and the Honeymooners seated at adjacent tables.
As OD passed the Conde Naste table and bid her hellos the Photographer winked and quipped
'We'll be in Ullapool tomorrow night,might we see you there too???...................'

A Day in the Life

Monday.
Mr Lavender and a Mrs Fennel reserve tables.

Tuesday
 Dr Slack and Mr Crack dine with us.
No joke.

Wednesday
Eavesdropped this 'conversation':
Wife:Its obvious the staff have done absolutely nothing since we've been away.I mean have you seen the state of the gardens?

Wife:(producing large filofax from huge statement leather bag):
'With our eldests' fourteenth birthday fast approaching, I've compiled a list of possible suggestions which you may or may not want to hear..'(delivered in forceful tone).

She then proceeds to tick off each item as she recites them to the husband describing in detail the programme and cost for each activity.
The husband never speaks throughout.

Wednesday(afternoon)
Take delivery of thirty jumbo tubs of Hellmans Mayonnaise.
Chef likes a bargain.
Hope he checked the sell by date..

Mayonnaise Fest

Note to Self: Remember to ask customers if they would like chips with their mayonnaise...
Thursday
(In a Michael Caine voice)Did you know....(that's Michael Caine the actor BTW,not to be confused with the well known and talented, similarly named Chef,Michael Caines..the one with the arm.. ) that fluoride is the devil incarnate and is responsible for all manner of ails including arthritis,cancer and Alzheimers?
Its because the metals build up in your body..
This poses far greater threat than the *other* poisons a teen may well ingest during the course of normal recreational activity.

Michael Caine the actor

Michael Caines the chef.

Mindful of this,The Apprentice procures himself (for the princely sum of £150)a Water Distiller, which takes around five hours to produce one plastic jug of water,all the while emitting an irritating constant humming noise much like an electric kettle in the early stages of boiling, but never quite reaching its climax..

Home Distillery

The distillery struggles to meet demand and gears up to 24 hour production,generating enough energy to heat domestic kitchen.Despite this, assured the cost to produce each jugful is a bargainous 60p.
This being the case,may well purchase one for each room and turn off the central heating.
Thursday(evening)
 Dismayed to discover that secret chocolate stash sited in the cupboard directly above the contraption has in fact melted in the intense heat.

Disappointingly non elliptical egg

The Apprentice exhibits no indication of concern that the rest of us gimps continue to sup the deadly tap version.
Well,every man for himself I say.

'Don't worry' says Chef 'Ill take the fuse out of it tomorrow'..


Friday
Wrap interview suit in leftover Christmas wrapping paper(reversed of course..what do you take me for?) and  post off to the Sensible One.
Send text message to confirm:
'Posted suit off should arrive tomorrow,make sure you iron it'
Reply received:
'I don't have an iron'
Speechless.


Self:'Would you like some horseradish?'
Diner:'Horseradish? No dear girl,semen of the Devil that stuff..'

Regular drinker: Hey Biff,I've bought up some blank headstones at the auction...if you're interested.Bankrupted stock.Twenty quid each.
Self:Really..
Regular drinker:Think of all the pressure it would take off your family. Normally go for a couple of hundred each.
Self:Blimey.
Regular drinker:I can get one engraved with a caption of your choice,and the start date.
Then all you need to do is fill in the end date later??
Self:..............................................

Saturday
Mayhem all day.
Minor scuffle breaks out in battle for stove space.

Those pans are spanking clean inside

Drinker:Hey Biff,is that a new fondue?
Self:Fondue?
Drinker:Yes fondue..hairdo?
Self:ERM yes...
Drinker:Its a country cut.Very Shire.Nice.
Self:Thanks
Drinker:Are you going to see the Queen??
Self:...........
Drinker:Do you think I could grow my hair into that cut?
Self:(Noting Drinkers less than abundant locks):Only if you're very patient.
Saturday (evening)
Late night Masterchef viewing via the convenience of Sky Plus.
'What are they all crying for' said Chef  'there's not even a cash prize at the end of it..'

'There was no cash prize at the end'
I might use that as my caption.