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Wednesday, 2 March 2011

How to get rid of your customers

Running rural pub isn't a bed of roses.Frankly without a decent food trade you haven't got a flying feck of making it pay.
With that in mind theres a couple of pointers you might just want to bear in mind should you ever fancy chancing your luck in this trade.
Dog cage featuring bowl and niffy blanket
Firstly,try siting a feature dog cage complete with feeding bowl and assorted canine accoutrements directly in front of the bar.Does this cry out to you 'come and eat here'??
A complete no brainer.


How about this?Fancy a tinkle on the old joanna?

Potential cosy corner
A bad photo. I've managed to make this look better than it actually is.Note the plastic plant pot proudly displayed in the central position,the plant(a cactus)shrivelled and dusty, these plants are NOT attractive.Though it and the piano made cosy bedfellows .Perfect choice to see off your customers with a subliminal sign see below:
Traditional two fingered send off


or the modern one(limp) finger salute



Or how about a quick game of Scrabble to sharpen up your brain skills?

Clutter central
Not a terrible idea,but  to be sure of success please stack tatty boxes untidily in FULL view on a WINDOWSILL,illuminated by a tasteful bedside lamp.

Or how about a game of pool?

Delightful Pool view
Site your gaming table in full view of the dining area.Make sure there's some random table tops and other assorted junk in view,it will take the diners minds off any inconsistencies in the food.As will the disturbance of the flashing lights and nudging noises emanating from the pinball machine,any diner returning after this experience would have to be particularly determined.

Strict adherence to the above will  guarantee a high success rate.If customers continue to frequent your establishment perhaps you may need to resort to the following initiative..

Following our observations above,we tootled down to the nearest village to have a quick shufty round the other local hostelries.
There were two pubs,the first looked a little scruffy,paint peeling from the signage,but encouragingly some attractive looking lamps in the window.Love a nice flocked lampshade,swings it for me every time.
Approaching the bar we were greeted warmly by a jovial chap sporting one of those darts type shirts.You know the black short sleeved epauletted ones which flap in the breeze around the midriff area,skirted on the underside by a pair of low slung black polyester trews?
I requested a cup of coffee.
 Darts Man being a surprisingly perceptive chap, advised apologetically :

'Its only filter coffee I'm afraid,none of those fancy coffees here pet'
'Thats ok' I say 'Filter coffee's fine'
'Take a seat and Ill bring it over' said Darts man.
What a canny fellow I think.
Chef and Ems had beers.

We sat down in a quiet corner to plan our offensive with the new pub.10 minutes later my coffee still wasn't forthcoming.

'I wonder if he's forgotten' I say.
No sooner had the words escaped my cake ole than Darts man appeared with a tray bearing a nice cafetiere of steaming hot coffee and some spanking clean white crockery.

'Sorry about the wait' says he 'I'd ran out of milk so had to pop over to the Co-op to get some for you'.
My instincts were affirmed,what a canny fellow.

'That's no problem' I say.
The coffee was lovely.
Though to be honest I wouldn't have chanced a meal here.

The next pub was smarter in a branded chain pub sort of way.There was a bit of a Bet Lynch type behind the bar,though not as attractive as the telly version if that makes any sense.Stern and unwelcoming.St Michaels finest square print patterned blouse in shades of Jade green and Cornflower blue,lots of gold chains,gypsy earrings and overpowering perfume.Probably miffed because we'd disturbed her tea and Hob Knobs.
I threw caution to the wind and ordered half a lager.Another beer for Chef and Ems.
We took a cosy table next to the fire.There was a table of diners but disconcertingly two Chefs ensconced at the other table chatting.Not a good sign at 1pm.But then again not really much prep to do if there's only a freezer bag or two to snip open.
Ems noticed there was lippy on her glass so went to change it.Bets eyes narrowed as she tipped the contents into a fresh glass but disappointingly no apology was proferred.
We leant forward to continue our clandestine discussions.

'Oh no' said Ems 'There's lippy on this glass too...'
'Just go and ask her for a straw' I say..then in a quick change of heart: 'no go and ask her for a clean glass, you've paid for the drink you're entitled to have a clean glass to drink it from...'
Nobody should accept poor standards.

I watched Ems politely point out the offending red lippy.Bet picked up a glass from the shelf and thrust it towards her.
'Here do you want to inspect(heavy emphasis) this one before I tip your drink in???'

'No' said Ems, channelling her best Oliver Twist voice 'Id just like a clean glass please'

Bet made a big show of holding the glass up to the light,frowning disapprovingly as Ems returned to the table.

'I think she needs some new Geps' said Chef.

It appears there's not really much competition round this neck of the woods.
Good.





5 comments:

legend in his own lunchtime said...

It's all yours for the taking. I'd say good luck, but you won't need it:)

Northern Snippet said...

Legend-a bit of luck wouldnt go amiss,still element of risk.Bit of a sleepless night last night.Looking forward to it tho :)

Alison Cross said...

NS - these seem like such obvious things not to do if running a business, but clearly people either get lazy or stop seeing them as deterrents to customers.

Get all this stuff compiled and get a book written up from the blog posts.

You will be FINE. I shall come down and eat at both the pub and the restaurant. Might as well book the ambulance for me now (for the expected gallstone pain, not anything untoward with your cooking!!!!)

lotsaluv

AX

AX

TheBoyandMe said...

Oh my God, that's horrendous! You will wipe the floor with them!

Young at Heart said...

the only way is up......there is nothing worse than a dirty glass, if they can't get that right...... you will soar!!

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