I wish I had a pound for every time I'm asked one of these pearls:
1.'Is that the menu?'(pointing at the blackboard)
No, its my shopping list for tomorrow.........
2. 'I'm not going to look at the menu, Ill just have a burger..'
No you wont because we don't farking have a burger....
3. 'I have a dairy intolerance what can I have?'
Protracted conversation .....followed by:
'Excuse me you've forgotten to bring some butter for my bread..'
4.(entering via the tradesman's entrance)'Are you open yet?'
No..... that's why the front door wouldn't open when you tried it repeatedly and you had to make a circuit of the building in order to seek out an alternative means of access.
5.'Telephone caller:'We're coming for lunch today-do we need to book a table??'
No....but saying as you've already made the effort to pick up the phone and ring us you might as well give me your name and tell me how many of you there are,then I can keep you a table.....
6.'Is there another menu?'
What?You mean a secret one that we don't bother to show anyone because we don't want to sell anything on it?
7.'What's fresh today?'
Nothing. Frankly,its all past its best and will pass through you like a bloody steam train if you're lucky..
8.'Can we sit at that table there?'(pointing at the table with the clearly visible reserved sign).
Why not....I just reserved it for the hell of it.
9.'Is that *all* you have for vegetarians??Really poor show...'
There are a choice of 8 main courses,of which one is vegetarian.Therefore one eighth of the menu is vegetarian.Were I to visit a vegetarian restaurant for dinner would I be given the same choice?Methinks not.*smug face*
10.'Haven't you got any scampi??'