10 of the most annoying and frequently fielded questions.

I wish I had a pound for every time I'm asked one of these pearls:

1.'Is that the menu?'(pointing at the blackboard)
     No, its my shopping list for tomorrow.........

2. 'I'm not going to look at the menu, Ill just have a burger..'
     No you wont because we don't farking have a burger....

3. 'I have a dairy intolerance what can I have?'
    Protracted conversation .....followed by:
'Excuse me you've forgotten to bring some butter for my bread..'

4.(entering via the tradesman's entrance)'Are you open yet?'
     No..... that's why the front door wouldn't open when you tried it repeatedly and you had to make a circuit of the building in order to seek out  an alternative means of access.
5.'Telephone caller:'We're coming for lunch today-do we need to book a table??'
      No....but saying as you've already made the effort to pick up the phone and ring us you might as well give me your name and tell me how many of you there are,then I can keep you a table.....

6.'Is there another menu?'
    What?You mean a secret one that we don't bother to show anyone because we don't want to sell anything on it?

7.'What's fresh today?'
     Nothing. Frankly,its all  past its best and will pass through you like a bloody steam train if you're lucky..

8.'Can we sit at that table there?'(pointing at the table with the clearly visible reserved sign).
     Why not....I just reserved it for the hell of it.

9.'Is that *all* you have for vegetarians??Really poor show...'
     There are a choice of 8 main courses,of which one is vegetarian.Therefore one eighth of the menu is vegetarian.Were I to visit a vegetarian restaurant for dinner would I be given the same choice?Methinks not.*smug face*
10.'Haven't you got any scampi??'


My heart goes out to you.
Number 3 is my all time favourite.
You mean you haven't got scampi? And I love that people actually force their way in through the back door. the general public are brilliant.
You don't do scampi?

Not even in a basket?

Oh, Ok.

Can I mix the meat of that menu item and add some fresh brocolli from that one with some nice cheese sauce please, and we need it in 10 minutes,

For 6 of us.

And I'm not paying extra.

OK dear?

And can I open an account?
Young at Heart said…
excellent vegitarian riposte......... it's a wonder you don't stab them all with a sharpened folk!!
Anonymous said…
Serves you right for having a lame veggie selection. Get out of the customer service industry if you don't like customers.
Thomas said…
Cracking. Some others from back of house-
-"Are you the chef?"
-"No, I just like wearing these jackets and hats"

- "you've spelt broccoli/ whisky/ other things wrong"
- "no I haven't. If you're going to be pedantic, at least be good at it"

-"You've got vegetarian burger on. It's not, heh heh, made of vegetarians I trust"
" what would you expect to buy from a family butcher, butchered families? "
Liz said…
I love this - if I had a pound for every customer that opens the door and walks in BEFORE we're open I'd be rich!!!!
Senor Algarve-Mine too.

Gin and Crumpets-People come in the back door all the time,sometimes I wonder if they'd attempt the windows if they were open.Last week a couple came in and we were still mopping the floor,when I explained to them the floor was wet they said 'Its ok we'll be careful..'No concern for the trail of footprints they left all over it.Full marks for determination though.

TSB-Actually I quite like a properly made scampi unfortunately I don't think that's the sort they're after..and sorry no account facility available..

Anon.-Actually I have a lot of respect for customers,if you take the trouble to read the post previous to this one you will see that is the case.
We always tell diners that if they mention the fact that they are veggie when they book we will make sure they have two choices of main course(there are always at least 3 veggie starters).However we only have a small menu and admittedly vegetarian food is not our speciality.
Thanks for your comment though,all feedback appreciated.

Thomas/Liz-I think Im being passed enough material for a part 2 on this!
Chris said…
Anonymous: Ooh an angry, ignorant, self-entitled, self-important vegetarian! Did you go to cliché school?
fattmatt said…
Less than 12 percent of the population is proper veggie, so you one veggie in eight main meals is about right.
For the customers coming in early to eat, you should try the old sell, "We are closed at the moment, but I can get you a drink but nothing else", you might squeeze another round out of them.

What's wrong with Brake Brothers Scampi?
fattmatt said…
sorry, posted the unedited comment

Less than 12 percent of the population are proper veggie, so your one veggie in eight main meal is about right.
For the restaurant customers coming in before you are open, you should try the old sell, "We are closed at the moment, but I can get you a drink but nothing else", you might squeeze another round out of them.

What's wrong with Brake Brothers Scampi?
Vivianne said…
Oh no, the *bestest* one is ''I pay your wages'' usually in response to being asked to behave like a, you know, decent human being ...
Fattmatt:Brake Brothers scampi? Only with Mccain oven chips I trust:)
Alison Cross said…
Those questions would drive me to the kitchen and a great big jaggy knife.

How you keep your cool, I do not know *bows down respectfully*

Ali x
I saw you comment on a post by Clippy Mat and couldn't pass up the chance to say hello. I don't live in the North East anymore but family still do.

Had a good giggle at this post. Trying to think which daft comment I'm likely to make in a restaurant. Probably ringing up to see if I need to book is one of mine!
Ben said…
I used to work the 'graveyard shift' of 3 to 6 as well (no dodgy foreign football back in those days). Despite a big sign out front saying that food stopped at 2.30, and a conspicuous lack of diners, or any customers at all really, people would always come in and say "Are you still doing food?" The worst situation was when they came in, ordered a large round of drinks, and then asked for the menu. Funnily enough, it was always my fault that we weren't doing food...
Iota said…
I think, sadly, I have said "Is that the menu?" once or twice... But if someone had replied "No, it's my shopping list", I would have laughed.

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