Tales from Cutlery Corner

The twice daily ritual cutlery polishing is the job most staff prefer to dodge.
Personally I find it quite therapeutic,nothing can quite beat the satisfaction of creating a pristine and hygienically polished stick of cutlery.
Besides,the calibre of conversation at cutlery corner lately has seen a definite upturn...

Blonde Waitress:'Biff,do you believe in God?'
Self: 'Hmm,I believe in treating people in a Christian manner..but as an actual entity? Jury's still out on that one I'm afraid..'(nice deflection).
Blonde:'Nah,Me neither'...'have I ever told you about my plans to rewrite the bible?'
Blonde:'Well I've been thinking....if they want to attract more young people to their cult,they need to revamp it a bit...Update it'
Self:(pedantically sorting all the main course knives out first,more pleasure from a glinting shiny blade)'..........'
Blonde:'For example...Moses and the Burning Bush'...(adopts pulpit manner)
'Moses and God walking through the desert one day,smoking a spliff together.Off their trolleys...God tosses the spent spliff into the bushes which then catch fire.Moses jumps into the bush to put the fire out..' 
Extravagant had gesture..'Ta dah!
'Moses reappears from the bush'
...'Moses and the Burning Bush'...(looks hopefully at self)...
Moses extinguishes flames
'MUCH more believable, don't you think??'
Blonde: 'I once told that to a group of Christians,I thought they were going to HAVE me'

Then last night this.

Blonde: Have you seen the newspaper cutting that's being passed around the bar tonight?
Self:'No, what's it about?'
Blonde:'Well apparently there's a law being passed in Egypt which makes it legal for husbands to have 'relations' with their wives for up to 7 hours after their death'
Self;'What?Are you sure its not from the Sunday Sport?'
Blonde:'NO its real Ill go get it'
Self:(gives paper cursory glance)'Ah! The Daily Mail.The ultimate stamp of authentication(ironic face)..Grim'
Blonde:'I mean I cant see the point in that can you?'
Self:'Absolutely not'
(Exit left to kitchen to fetch another cutlery bucket).
Blonde:'I mean they're hardly going to get much feedback are they?'
Self:'Hold on....Lets just get this straight.. So what you're saying is the main problem with having a farewell flourish with a corpse is the LACK OF FEEDBACK???'

We both polish the remaining cutlery in thoughtful silence..
Add caption


I'm thinking of making Cutlery Corner a regular feature...


I'm almost at a loss for words.

Blonde Waitress seems to have a relatively enquiring mind, are you sure you'll be able to keep her?

Ah, The Daily Mail. The font of all true knowledge. It's got to be true.

Mind you they missed the bit that the corpse has to be wearing a chador.

BTW, If you follow YONKS, she's just posted about a lovely pub in Wales. See here
It's like your very own mini version of Acorn Antiques!
The Jules said…
It's illegal?

Uh-oh . . .
Just love it.
If you promise to make cutlery corner
a regular feature I will follow suit with "B&B banter"or "Guest house gossip."Have recently refused the Mail online a freebie,even in these hard times!!!Can´t let it get the better of you.Do worry about Moses "bush"diving.
Young at Heart said…
excellent....this one just writes itself!!!
Alison Cross said…
Polished cutlery is one of those thigns that no-one notices has been done until it hasn't been done.

I cannot believe that story about the sex after death. I can think of nothing sensible to say.

But revamping the Bible sounds good. So, after the King James Version it will be The Blonde's Version. Yeah, why not!!!

Ali x

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