Reality Check

I'm beginning to worry that this blog is becoming a bit one dimensional,the thing is the majority of customers are actually very nice people and are beautifully behaved,but whichever way you dress it up, the story of a satisfied customer isn't exactly riveting reading:
'A very nice couple came for dinner,thoroughly enjoyed their meal and left us a generous tip'.
Its just not happening is it??
So,continuing synchronistically with the usual theme, last Tuesday we welcomed yet another difficult diner.
It was only as the plates were cleared that we became aware of a problem.
'The food was OK but I didn't get my Dijon mustard'
I was a tad confused by this statement.
'Did you request Dijon??'I say
'Yes I asked for French mustard but they brought me Mr Colmans English impersonation of a French mustard not actual Dijon'(glaring whilst continuing to dip the remnant chips into the pot of French mustard)..*gag*
Mr Colman the English imposter

'Just to let you know,had you asked for Dijon mustard we could have brought some for you...'I say...lamely.
'Its OK it doesn't matter,anyway its too late now'
As I walk away to deposit said plates in the kitchen I just catch the following:
'I've got some more feedback for her as well if she bothers to come back'
On my return to the table this:
'Whilst your Merlot is not off 'per se',the amount of sediment present in the glass,especially with a Chilean wine,is indicative that its been sitting on your shelf for some time..'
This statement is inherently wrong.Either the wine was off or it wasn't.By his own admission it wasn't actually off so what in fact was the complaint??
Resisting my initial overwhelming urge to say why don't you just STFU,

Tourettes on toast

(Chef is increasingly concerned I'm beginning to show signs of late onset Tourettes),instead I say :
'Oh,I'm very surprised to hear that,given that the Merlot is one of our best selling wines by the glass therefore the turnover of that particular wine is in fact very healthy,however if you were dissatisfied with the wine I would have been more than happy to provide you with an alternative' Big smile.
As I walked away I just caught the aside:
'Well if that's your attitude..'
We need to get tougher with people,if someone makes a completely unfounded accusation within earshot of other customers surely we are entitled to defend our reputation? I also always worry that it inspires further complaints.People do tend to have a flock instinct.
Needless to say,there was no gratuity.
I can already sense the tone of another furiously composed mobile Tripadvisor entry,truly Im constantly amazed by the high standard of peoples manual dexterity these days.
As I cleared the empty glasses from the table an unexpected incident made my day.

Reader,I've been waiting for months for something like this to happen,something mildly amusing but in keeping with the tone of m'blog.
*Klaxon* nice customer alert.
The gent on the table sited directly next to the complainer gestured me over.
'May we have one of those crappy bottles of Merlot that you've had sitting on the shelf for months please,if we may??'
Me faith in human natured restored and the unpleasant earlier exchanges hastily forgotten me feet barely touched the ground for the remainder of the lunchtime and the warm glow lastly fairly through to evening service...
Crappy Merlot

Now listen up you lot. This is important.We need to have a wee reality check.
One of you made a very sweet girl cry last week.This is completely unacceptable.
Ive been spending most of my time in the kitchen this week covering holiday leave.
On Thursday night we were very busy.
During the mayhem a couple of 'walk-ins' chanced by.
As checks were backed up in the kitchen we told the the very sweet waitress to let the couple know that they could eat but we were very busy and there would be a wait,but we would feed them as soon as we could.
They were served drinks and took a seat in the bar.
A short while later they called the waitress in question over and asked to order,at which point she came and checked with us in the kitchen to see how long the wait would be.
The couple were duly informed that we had a table x 15 to plate up ,followed by a 7,a couple of 3's and 2's.
All booked.
At this point the wife commenced an aggressive and relentless verbal onslaught culminating in the phrase
 'It will be a long time before we return here again'
The poor girl was reduced to tears.
Two things worry me  about this statement, they are the words 'long time' which invokes the proposition of the actual possibility that she might consider returning *at some point*and I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FARK SHE LOOKS LIKE.
Why do people think that food can magically be produced on demand no matter how many people are waiting?
Do they think that we have a boatload of food cooked off ready to serve just on the off chance that the whole of the Royal Battalion the Scots dragoon guards might drop by for an impromptu supper?
Oddly, we don't cook anything until you actually order it,our aim is to serve you decent food and to make a PROFIT.
Here is the most surprising fact.
We don't actually want to inconvenience you or make you wait around until you get annoyed and fractious,because surprisingly we want your cash..

Helpful hint:The point of a bookings system is to stagger bookings,therefore avoiding delays,which is beneficial for both the kitchen and customer,so if having to wait a while is a major inconvenience why not ring ahead and book a time instead of taking out your frustrations on some poor unsuspecting girl who both deserves better and isn't paid enough to field your abusive and uncalled for verbal diarrhoea.

Over and out.


keep em coming... and I apologise on behalf of all 'people' for the bad behaviour of a few cunts... x
There are a few nice people left, I always want to tell off other customers if over hear them being rude.
TheBoyandMe said…
What a git, but what a gent on the other table. keep standing up for yourself and your staff, you are humans with feelings after all.

Learnt so much from your blog.
fattmatt said…
Re sediment in the wine.
You might need to check that your staff are being carefull with the wines when handling the bottles as lifting the sediment from the bottom is easy to do if you chuck them about a bit (sounds like due to the fast turnover, your merlot has not been given the time to settle from it's delivery). To be honest though you should just ask for a clean glass every time you have finish your last glass.
Fair enough, but I think you're going to have to help the young waitress harden up.

Can't you teach her a few rote phrases to help her survive?

Such as:
"Fuck off you stupid twat, don't even bother coming back or we'll either refuse to serve you or pretend your lovely and spit in your soup"
Nicky said…
This makes me quite sad. A bit of courtesy in a customer goes a long way and is generally reciprocated by the staff. I suspect that some of your ruder, more demanding clientele have been conditioned by tv in the Ramsay school of "constructive feedback". Keep on keeping on, we appreciate you and your lovely staff.
Alison Cross said…
GAH! I've complained once about a meal and even then it was in that hesitant 'I-don't-mean-to-upset-you-but' tone of voice.

We'll never go back to Cottiers Restaurant on Highburgh Road, Glasgow - rotten service, cold food and no apologies for keeping us waiting for an hour and a half for starters and a further hour for the mains.


I'm with TSB - you need to get some Tourettes-style phrases into your waiting staff's vocab (maybe just for shouting INSIDE HER HEAD though)

Ali x

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