Reader,it was so loud it almost blew the tiles off the roof.
How I managed to get to the kitchen without exploding I do not know.However, once there I was creased up for several minutes in fits of laughter,tears streaming down me face,laughed like a drain so much so that me stomach was in spasm.
At this point The Cynical One appeared.
'What's going on? Everyone can hear you out there..'
'Did the couple from the conservatory hear? I say feeling momentarily stricken with guilt.
'Yes,the woman was paying the bill and commented that the kitchen sounded very jolly..'
I gave a brief run down of the events leading up to the raucous laughter,including the fact that Jonny Fartpants didn't bat an eyelid ,completely failing even to acknowledge the incident.
'Perhaps he didn't hear it' said the Cynical One
'What?Well he MUST have at least felt it' I say..
'Well... better an empty house than an angry tenant' said the Cynical One..
This prompted a ten minute exchange of similar proverbs resulting in yet more hilarity. I'm afraid I'm unable to reproduce the vast majority of these here.Suffice to say there's nowt like a bit of toilet humour to raise the mood.
|Stand clear for the blast|
On a more serious note,there's been something really annoying me lately which I must share with you. I've noticed certain parties using twitter adding an 'X' to the end of every farking tweet.And its not just to people they are particularly friendly with-its to EVERYONE they tweet to without exception.
This devalues the X. No one likes a X more than I do but to get one from a complete stranger feels a bit..well ..creepy.In the right context,you know after you've spoken to someone for a while or indeed at least exchanged a few pleasantries or perhaps if you've done them a favour,than I would be made up to be rewarded with a special X,otherwise no.
An occasional X is good, but showing yourself to be a serial Xer totally smacks of wanton insincerity..
Lets put X back where it belongs as a special occasion treat to be anticipated and earned,not dished out indiscriminatingly much like a groupon coupon.
In a similar vein I've also noticed a strange phenomena in the incorrect usage of the word 'lovely'.In its most common form the tweet is ended 'thanks lovely'.On the first occasion I saw this I was slightly puzzled,I presumed there was a word or two missing from the end of the tweet,lovely what?? Was it a lovely avatar,lovely comment or even a lovely outfit? As time went on I realised the word lovely was being used in the context of an attributive adjective to describe the actual person but in its own right with the omission of the word 'person' or 'girl' or perhaps 'friend',much as sweetheart,chuck or pet might be used depending or your point of reference.
This is a new one on me.Does anyone ever use this turn of phrase in real life?? Correct me if I'm wrong but I think not.
The only thing worse than the use of the phrase 'thanks lovely' is its plural form 'thanks lovelies'
That really gets my goat.
Finally,I noticed a really odd statistic the other day.I wrote this blog post a while back,its not particularly noteworthy but for some reason it is getting *a lot* of hits.This has been bothering me somewhat,given that its only been on the blog for a short period of time and has already almost made it onto the front page as a most popular post.
Further investigation revealed the true nature of its popularity.
It seems the search word 'noose' has brought an infeasible volume of traffic to visit me l'il ole blog.
What a load of weirdos there are trawling the interwebs.Personally, I blame 50 Shades of.
So if perhaps you're the author of a blog and you want to boost your site traffic a wee bit, may I suggest you incorporate a few carefully chosen words into your next post?
Me? I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.
Dog Collars..Handcuffs..Chains..Blindfolds.. Bums! Spanking!
PS I note in the time its taken me to write this the post in question has actually made it onto the front page,547 views and counting...at this rate Marcus Wareings infeasibly hirsute arms are going to be kicked into touch pretty darn soon