Jonny Fartpants comes to lunch

At lunchtime today as I was clearing some plates from a table in the conservatory,an elderly gentleman on sticks was struggling to his feet.As I turned he let off the most massive fart.
Reader,it was so loud it almost blew the tiles off the roof.
How I managed to get to the kitchen without exploding I do not know.However, once there I was creased up for several minutes in fits of laughter,tears streaming down me face,laughed like a drain so much so that me stomach was in spasm.
At this point The Cynical One appeared.
'What's going on? Everyone can hear you out there..'
'Did the couple from the conservatory hear? I say feeling momentarily stricken with guilt.
'Yes,the woman was paying the bill and commented that the kitchen sounded very jolly..'
I gave a brief run down of the events leading up to the raucous laughter,including the fact that Jonny Fartpants didn't bat an eyelid ,completely failing even to acknowledge the incident.

'Perhaps he didn't hear it' said the Cynical One
'What?Well he MUST have at least felt it' I say..
'Well... better an empty house than an angry tenant' said the Cynical One..
This prompted a ten minute exchange of similar proverbs resulting in yet more hilarity. I'm afraid I'm unable to reproduce the vast majority of these here.Suffice to say there's nowt like a bit of toilet humour to raise the mood.
Stand clear for the blast

On a more serious note,there's been something really annoying me lately which I must share with you. I've noticed certain parties using twitter adding an 'X' to the end of every farking tweet.And its not just to people they are particularly friendly with-its to EVERYONE they tweet to without exception.
This devalues the X. No one likes a X more than I do but to get one from a complete stranger feels a bit..well ..creepy.In the right context,you know after you've spoken to someone for a while or indeed at least exchanged a few pleasantries or perhaps if you've done them a favour,than I would be made up to be rewarded with a special X,otherwise no.
An occasional X is good, but showing yourself to be a serial Xer totally smacks of wanton insincerity..
Lets put X back where it belongs as a special occasion treat to be anticipated and earned,not dished out indiscriminatingly much like a groupon coupon.
In a similar vein I've also noticed a strange phenomena in the incorrect usage of the word 'lovely'.In its most common form the tweet is ended 'thanks lovely'.On the first occasion I saw this I was slightly puzzled,I presumed there was a word or two missing from the end of the tweet,lovely what?? Was it a lovely avatar,lovely comment or even a lovely outfit? As time went on I realised the word lovely was being used in the context of an attributive adjective to describe the actual person but in its own right with the omission of the word  'person' or 'girl' or perhaps 'friend',much as sweetheart,chuck or pet might be used depending or your point of reference.
This is a new one on me.Does anyone ever use this turn of phrase in real life?? Correct me if I'm wrong but I think not.
The only thing worse than the use of the phrase 'thanks lovely' is  its plural form 'thanks lovelies'
That really gets my goat.

Finally,I noticed a really odd statistic the other day.I wrote this blog post a while back,its not particularly noteworthy but for some reason it is getting *a lot* of hits.This has been bothering me somewhat,given that its only been on the blog for a short period of time and has already almost made it onto the front page as a most popular post.
Further investigation revealed the true nature of its popularity.
*Lightbulb moment*
It seems the search word 'noose' has brought an infeasible volume of traffic to visit me l'il ole blog.
What a load of weirdos there are trawling the interwebs.Personally, I blame 50 Shades of.
So if perhaps you're the author of a blog and you want to boost your site traffic a wee bit, may I suggest you incorporate a few carefully chosen words into your next post?
Me? I wouldn't dream of doing such a thing.

Dog Collars..Handcuffs..Chains..Blindfolds.. Bums! Spanking!

Thanks lovelies.

Biff xxx

PS I note in the time its taken me to write this the post in question has actually made it onto the front page,547 views and this rate Marcus Wareings infeasibly hirsute arms are going to be kicked into touch pretty darn soon


...and what about facebook for debasing our language -You "friend" someone.No you don´t you Befriend them.Its just american lazyness and it annoys me. Rant over,feel better now.
Expat mum said…
I think the X is a bit like the ;-). People feel they have to put one in so that nothing they say can be misinterpreted.
And talking of farts - my 9 year old and I were standing at a cash point inside a largish shop the other day. An older man was getting money out so we waited a few feet back. Suddenly a large fart noise erupted, and I glared at my son. He was trying to mouth "It wasn't me" and point at the guy, but was already almost on the floor laughing. The guy didn't acknowledge it, got his money and left. Unfortunately we realised that the smell remained right where we needed to be. Good grief - my eye are still watering.
Maybe I've been harsh.already been corrected that lovely is a colloquialism in certain areas,maybe Im just too Northern.
Concentrate on the fart bit instead.
Farts are fun.

I've got the same problem with the number of hits on my FBI post.

I refuse to open a facebook account or use twitter.
Kavey said…
Yes, in real life I use "Thanks, lovely" all the time.
And I add x to tweets whenever I want to show particular warmth in my response / appreciation.
Very odd things to get het up by, I think...
Kavey-I think I've spent too much time with complainers recently.
I actually think its a Southern thing,its interesting watching the mannerisms and phrases people from different areas use.Do you use 'lovely' in actual spoken speech or just written? ITs a very friendly turn of phrase but weirdly we are always surprised that Northern people ALWAYS say please and thankyou at the bar but people from the south tend to just give the drink order followed by 'for me' yet they do usually offer to buy the barman a drink.
I agree the x is a good thing exactly to express particular warmth but not in every tweet otherwise it has no value.
BTW,most of this is 'tongue in cheek' observations..
Kavey said…
Yes, I do use it in real speech, regularly.
Wally B said…
I had the same thing happen to me when I included RIP in a blog. Hundreds of hits a day. As for farting,.... chuckle.
I think these wind problems do afflict the elderly, it'll be us one day (soon) love.
When I see the word lovely used I always associate it with a Bristol (ish) accent, don't they tend to say that where us Lancashire folk use love (in the style of Vera Duckworth)
xxx ;-)

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