I am neither YOUNG nor a VERY NICE waitress.

As we speak, the gas supply has just been reconnected following a leak and 24 hour interruption in supply as a result of a catalogue of comedic errors which deserves a whole blog post in itself.
Lost revenue aside, at least I've had the chance to catch up with various neglected tasks and update this for the first time in AGES.

Im a bit worried that I might be losing the plot.
Not that I'm hallucinating or anything,but I seem to be hearing voices in my head.
Admittedly its my own voice, but its saying something completely different to what is actually coming out of my mouth and I'm starting to become slightly concerned that these thoughts might actually be voiced at some point and if so certain people are going to be very upset indeed.
Its very disorientating. its putting me in mind of Gerry Adams in the 80's when Thatcher wouldn't allow his voice to be broadcast so an actor voiced it,I could never understand why his voice didn't match his mouth but always found it strangely pleasing.
I've included my alternative speech in bold for the rest of this,just so you see what I mean.
Where to start.
The serial complainers have all been back sucking the flaming life out of me.
First being the old dear who had an aversion to large fish.
In line with many of our older customers she seems to be fixated on fish as a preferred dining option.
She's been in around half a dozen times now but still insists on asking for the menu every time and complains bitterly when we tell her its on a blackboard.
This lunchtime she was set on battered fish and chips.
'Excuse me,once when I came here I had battered cod and chips'
I interjected, no point getting her hopes up.
'Ah yes I'm sorry we don't have any on the menu today so..'
She raised her hand slowly right up to my face.
I stood there quietly as commanded,finish or not there still ain't gong to be any battered fish.
'As I was saying,I enjoyed your fish and chips and would really like some again'
'Well I'm sorry but as I was trying to explain we change our menu daily and unfortunately we don't have cod today-we have a whole lemon sole(grilled not battered)which I'm sure the chef can serve with chips for you if you like'
I beamed a fake but fairly convincing beam.
'Are the chips those awful thick cut ones?'
'Well they aren't skinny fries but I think they're pretty good'
'Ok but can I have some mushy peas with that,preferably marrowfat?'
'Im sorry no, we don't have battered fish or mushy peas on the menu today'
'Im beginning to wonder if I'm in the wrong place here..'

[Never a truer word spoken so why don't you save us all some time and just f off home now?]
'Would you like some greens or a salad instead?'

As the meals were served and just as I was placing the whole lemon sole with chips and tartar sauce down in front of my favourite customer I was greeted with the following comment.
'I asked for mushy peas'
Given the time that I was at the table extricating the order and the lengthy conversation we'd already had about green veg I was moderately surprised by the fact that she'd already forgotten we have a pea drought,I thought I'd better clarify.

'Yes you asked and I explained that we didn't have any'
'Can you get me some vinegar instead?'
Oddly I'd never thought of vinegar as particularly interchangeable with peas.
As the main in courses were cleared and I'd fronted out a frosty silence following the 'Did you enjoy everything?' request I enquired would anyone like to see a pudding menu.
The other three at the table who were looking increasingly fed up with their dining companion all shook their heads and were polite in their refusal.
A couple of minutes later I noticed the complainer gesture another member of staff over to the table.I eavesdropped her saying that she hadn't been asked if she would like a pudding and witnessed the profuse apology and and the deliverance of the pudding menu.
She ordered a 'small' cheese board to 'share' between the three of them BUT WITH EXTRA BISCUITS.
This caused a bit of confusion in the kitchen.
There is a growing trend with diners ordering one meal then bulking it our with carbs thus feeding multiple diners for the single price and its becoming tiresome to say the least.
Yesterday, unbelievably someone ordered a childs Sunday lunch but with extra roasties,an extra Yorkie and an extra bloody plate.AND THERE WERE NO FLAMING CHILDREN ON THE TABLE.
I intervened.
'Just do the normal size-if you make it smaller there won't be enough for the three of them.'
As I placed the cheeses down Mrs Doubtfire enquired was the cheeseboard a smaller one.
'No its just the normal size as we were told you wanted to share between the three of you'
She raised her hand for the second time to silence me.
'When I ordered the cheese with the very nice YOUNG waitress which WASN'T YOU…she agreed that I could have a smaller cheeseboard,so can you take that one away and bring me a smaller cheeseboard as requested'
The other two at the table were visibly recoiling and fidgeting uncomfortably in their seats.
I looked at her for a split second and made a mental note not to morph into a similar specimen in old(er) age,then without speaking removed the cheeseboard.
'I thought they were sharing?" said Chef in bewilderment.
I watched as the cheeses were re sized carefully to meet diner requirements.
Reader,If I say the cheese would not have been cut finer had it been sliced with a razor blade, you will appreciate my supreme satisfaction and joy in the redeliverance with a exagerrated flourish to the table. 
I employed my best Fawlty voice:

'Does that suit madam?'
[Joke's on you Missus..]

I'd been waiting for the farm cat duck woman to reappear, ready to dispatch her poste haste  as previously planned but surprisingly she hadn't been back.
Until last Thursday when I was out.
I'm beginning to wonder if  she's had the bloody placed staked out waiting for me to be out so she could sneak in undisturbed behind my back and make unfettered complaints at will without me being there to deflect them.
After perusing the menu for several minutes and after much huffing and puffing she'd gone ahead and ordered the pasta with asparagus,peas,rocket and Parmesan,but WITHOUT the peas and asparagus.
When the dish was cleared and feedback being politely requested as is the usual form,the word came back that there WASNT MUCH TO THE PASTA.
There wasn't much to the pasta.
Lets just think tis one through shall we? Deleting half of the prescribed ingredients surely invalidates any possible future complaint?
This particular woman is beginning to really boil my piss...
Anyhoo two days later she was back again.
I approached the table for the order.
Would you believe it she went ahead and ordered the same pasta AGAIN.
I repeated the order back.

'So the pasta on the board but without the peas and asparagus?'
[Listen missus WE all know you don't like it so how the hell do you not?]

'yes please'
On receipt of the order and following the well rehearsed performance of the usual 'You're having a laff/Do I look like I'm laffing?' routine,Chef suggested I went back to the table and offered her some braised beef which had just been cooked ready for the evening menu.You can always rely on a slow cooked bit of meat to win fussy diners over.It meets all their criteria the main one of course being that it requires no effort in the chewing department.It could taste like shit but as long as its tender it'll pass muster.
I was a tad surprised by the the woman's rebuttal.
Looking up slowly and maintaining eye contact just a smidgeon too long, she replied slowly and with the merest suggestion of a smirk.
'No I'll stick with the pasta,I had it the other day and enjoyed it'
What the hell?
She's playing with me isn't she.

I re entered the kitchen just as Gareth Malone was being interviewed on the Jeremy Vine show.
'Have you ever been in a choir Biff?'
Now,having been an avid and conscientious church botherer in me youth I was able to respond with conviction and even a slight air of smugness,in the affirmative:
'Well actually yes, as a matter of fact I have..'
[over exaggerated, tension building pause]
'And tell me..did you ever pump the vicar's organ…?'

See what I have to put up with on a daily basis??
The Vicars organ (what do you take me for..)

Thank God Sunday morning finally arrived.
I even managed to sit meself down with the papers and a coffee prior to opening after delegating the remaining few jobs.
'Can you restock the coffee machine please?'
'There's plenty of cups there already'
Ooh..sharp intake of breath..
'No there isn't. More of everything please or we'll run out'
'I suppose I could stack a few more on there'

'Yes completely full please'
['Yes bitch,do it now ']

Its worrying isn't it?


Wally Bell said…
Considering the shit you have to put up with, I am surprised you haven't lost the plot a long time ago.
UrsulaFletcher said…
'Yes bitch do it now' love it lol !!!!
Liz said…
I'm with you on this..........!!
Adam Garratt said…
Brilliant as always. I find some people infuriating, I applaud your ability to hold back. My response to people like that is to simply find an excuse to leave them, normally in the form of projectiing myself towards another person looking like they need some help. There is no need to be rude to anyone unless its for a genuine reason, the lack of fish and chips is not one of those reasons. Silly dried up old prune needs to go back to manner school.

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