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Thursday, 19 May 2011

Fuhrer bars crisp eating Goldendoodle,in flatulence incident.

Half a league, half a league,
Half a league onward,
All in the valley of Death..
Alfred,Lord Tennyson,1854


Regular readers of this blog will be aware that I am well versed in the treatment and despatch of badly behaved customers.
However,over the last couple of weeks my customer service skills have entered a whole new and completely unexpected area of expertise,which has forced the introduction of a new policy at the pub.
Previous landlords,in keeping with the country theme,had permitted,nay encouraged,canine companions to accompany their masters to the pub.
Not wishing to make too many changes outright,we decided to reserve judgement,go with the flow and monitor how this panned out over the first couple of weeks.
We've experienced quite an assortment of pooches in this time.Not unsurprising considering there aren't that many pubs round these parts offering dog lovers the benefit of this privilege.
Things came to a head last Monday.
The Inn being a food free zone on a Monday,teatime found Chef ensconced at the bar at the New Pub enjoying a leisurely beer whilst awaiting my emergence from the kitchen.Deciding we'd do lunches every day at the New Pub had proven ill advised from my perspective, in terms of the time off stakes.
No matter,by 6pm I had joined him and was sipping a well earned beverage.
At this point a middle aged couple entered the pub with their much loved pooch in tow,a Goldendoodle no less. (that's a cross between a standard poodle and a golden retreiver FYI,a breed yet to be recognised by the kennel club but popular with owners suffering allergies due to the minimal hair loss-I know this because they told me so..)
Fido lay compliantly down on the floor just behind our bar stools,the owners purchased a couple of ales,some snacks and then took a comfortable seat by the fireside.
They then proceeded to toss crisps across the void for their beloved pet,who scoffed them greedily.
 At this point a gentleman from yon side of the bar traversed the room en route to the little boys room and tripped clumsily over said dog.He laughed a tad too hysterically then made a big show of petting Fido enthusiastically in an effort to hide his obvious embarrassment.
The owners chuckled amusedly: 'Fido, loves to lie in awkward places'
Does he indeed.
Ems intelligent assessment of the situation surmised an ill disguised hint might solicit the required reaction. Channelling her very best Marcel Marceau she negotiated the hurdle that is Fido, stepping slowly and pointedly over the dozing mass.
And again.
No reaction.
Presently, what can only be described as an exceptionally odoriferous odour enveloped myself and Chef as we sat innocently at the bar.Our eyes met simultaneously and accusingly in horror.Then as realisation dawned,our gaze drifted down at Fido lying contentedly on the floor.
The Cheese n' onion crisps had wrought their revenge.
Nostrils curling,Chef smirked,calmly stood up and retired outdoors for a fag.
Fido slowly and deliberately raised himself to his feet and strolled nonchalantly over to his owners side.
Leaving Moi sat alone at the bar,enveloped in the fug.
Predictably,an exceptionally smart couple timeously entered the pub and approached the bar for drinks.
Dear friend,I have no need to describe how this looked.
My burning cheeks compounded my unfounded guilt.
I fronted things out momentarily, then bid a hasty retreat outside, proceeding to berate Chef for his lack of support.
'Eh?Did you see how many cheese n onion crisps the mutt had downed?I wasn't going to hang around when there was clearly going to be another of those in the departure lounge'
Action was needed.
We've introduced a DOG POLICY.

Lets hope the bleepers can read.

As luck would have it,the day following the introduction of the Dog Policy,the flatulent Fido returned.
Being a 'food service time' I was conveniently out of sight in the kitchen.
The owners failed to notice the prominent notices pinned at both entrances.
Ems drew the owners attention to the signs,explaining the reasoning behind the  policy.
'But dogs have always been allowed here,THIS IS A COUNTRY PUB..' Angry faces.
(Well not always,in fact the pub was closed for over 10 years,but lets just draw a veil over that..)
They agreed to finish their drinks then leave.
Ems suggested they might like to sit in the garden,it was after all a beautiful sunny afternoon.No,Fido would be cold apparently,despite the custom made fur coat he was wearing...
Ems explained,by way of a consolation that they were welcome to bring Fido along during 'non food service times'
'No,No that's not going to work for us,we wont be back.'
The gist of the conversation was relayed back to the kitchen as each food order was sent.
Presently, as time passed,it became apparent that despite being informed of the new policy Fidos owners were reluctant to shift.
On a brief respite in orders I decided an appearance in the bar might be in order.
On catching sight of Your Truly the owners stood up,marched over to the bar,remarking loudly:
'Come on Fido( glaring at me not at Fido) lets go,you're BARRED..' 
Then in an audible aside:
'BLOODY,FUHRER.'
One is becoming increasingly thick skinned.

PS Sorry about the lack of an Umlaut couldn't work out how to do it..

17 comments:

Geordie in Singers. said...

OMG you should have just told them, that he had pumped yesterday, they might have been a bit more understanding........

Nicky said...

Good on you. We've even had other people's dogs begging at our pub table for a bit of our lunch: the owner laughed and said "Labs are greedy like that"! Speechless ....

Alison Cross said...

Maybe it's just me, or maybe it's just here, but I don't think that most people expect their dog to be welcomed in an establishment that serves food.

Unless it's a guide dog, obviously. They have excellent manners.

Dog policy is v sensible idea - they can be trip hazards, some people are scared of dogs - or allergic to them.

Do you have a dog station outside? With a bowl of water and somewhere shady for them to be tied up?

As far as the pumping is concerned, just hope and pray that I don't bring Tartarus, the 2-legged fart machine with me when I come to visit!

Ali x

The kitchen princess diaries said...

Oh my, knowing how vile a dog fart can be, you have my sympathy. I'd be mortified if my dog farted when we were out. I'd certainly apologise and take her outside.

Young at Heart said...

oh no sounds too awful......you do paint a very funny picture!!

Apple Island Wife said...

Anybody with a dog as preposterous as a Goldendoodle deserves to be barred. What happened to getting a Heinz 57 from the local RSPCA?

Marmaduke Scarlet said...

But on a serious note, much as I love dogs, it's clearly not the dog's fault. Just its ghastly owners!

Marmaduke Scarlet said...

But on a serious note, much as I love dogs, it's clearly not the dog's fault. Just its ghastly owners!

Northern Snippet said...

Geordie:they must have known about the gas problem,clearly wasnt the first time hed enjoyed Walkers finest.

Nicky:I agree,totally inapropriate at mealtimes.Tho Labs are greedy, someone once told me they dont have the gene which tells them theyre full.Canine version of Prada Willy..

Ali:Funny you should mention guide dogs,there was a couple last week with a *guide dog in training* though both of them had full sight.Wondered if it was a ruse to buck the system,you know like that handy *midwife on call* parking notice which *some* people keep in the car...

Kitchen Princess:How polite,I bet you wouldnt have called me the Fuhrer either..

YAH:it was beyond awful,a real rip roaring stinker..

Marmaduke:I dont hate dogs BTW,I have one myself.Though I wouldnt encourage it to fart in a public place.Definitely the owners fault.

TwistedScottishBastard said...

Loved the post, couldn't believe the behaviour of those people. We've got a dog, but I wouldn't describe our family as "dog people", it's definitely at the bottom of the ranking system.

BTW To put in letters with accents or ├╝mlauts, you can use the ASCII codes. Simply hold down the Alt key while typing in a 4 digit ASCII number on the numerical keys on the right of your keyboard . (If the code is only 3 digits, add a prefix of 0) The character will appear when you release the Alt key.
Get the codes here

TCFO said...

absolutely the right choice - dogs are great but when they are gaseous, ugh - what a ruinous situation in combination with food. Makes my stomach wretch to think of it. People can be so p***y and self-righteous about their dogs, wouldn't you say? I believe in the US, where there's food, there are not dogs, as in the legal sense. Except service dogs. Love your pub stories!

Meer For Beer said...

Folks who train guide dogs have full sight, my friend wanted to be one but due to bad eyesight she couldn't. Understandable really as a blind or partal sighted person wouldn't be able to pick up on bad behaviour from the dog in training.

Dogs in pubs are a mixed barrel, my partner and I find that they are becoming as bad as some child owners, letting the dog do pretty much as they like without feeling the need to control them.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

Very funny!

I love Geordie's answer. You never know?

Personally I'd bar anyone who fed their dog on cheese and onion crisps.

A Goldendoodle, hilarious! If you fancy laughing at dogs here's a silly post I did.

http://fashionsmostwanted.blogspot.com/2011/05/mad-on-poodles.html

Hope you're good xx

Alison Cross said...

what's up?

gastrosurgery. said...

Great thoughts you got there, believe I may possibly try just some of it throughout my daily life...


Flatulence

Margla Clerk said...

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georg clerk said...

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