A Day in the Life

Monday.
Mr Lavender and a Mrs Fennel reserve tables.

Tuesday
 Dr Slack and Mr Crack dine with us.
No joke.

Wednesday
Eavesdropped this 'conversation':
Wife:Its obvious the staff have done absolutely nothing since we've been away.I mean have you seen the state of the gardens?

Wife:(producing large filofax from huge statement leather bag):
'With our eldests' fourteenth birthday fast approaching, I've compiled a list of possible suggestions which you may or may not want to hear..'(delivered in forceful tone).

She then proceeds to tick off each item as she recites them to the husband describing in detail the programme and cost for each activity.
The husband never speaks throughout.

Wednesday(afternoon)
Take delivery of thirty jumbo tubs of Hellmans Mayonnaise.
Chef likes a bargain.
Hope he checked the sell by date..

Mayonnaise Fest

Note to Self: Remember to ask customers if they would like chips with their mayonnaise...
Thursday
(In a Michael Caine voice)Did you know....(that's Michael Caine the actor BTW,not to be confused with the well known and talented, similarly named Chef,Michael Caines..the one with the arm.. ) that fluoride is the devil incarnate and is responsible for all manner of ails including arthritis,cancer and Alzheimers?
Its because the metals build up in your body..
This poses far greater threat than the *other* poisons a teen may well ingest during the course of normal recreational activity.

Michael Caine the actor

Michael Caines the chef.

Mindful of this,The Apprentice procures himself (for the princely sum of £150)a Water Distiller, which takes around five hours to produce one plastic jug of water,all the while emitting an irritating constant humming noise much like an electric kettle in the early stages of boiling, but never quite reaching its climax..

Home Distillery

The distillery struggles to meet demand and gears up to 24 hour production,generating enough energy to heat domestic kitchen.Despite this, assured the cost to produce each jugful is a bargainous 60p.
This being the case,may well purchase one for each room and turn off the central heating.
Thursday(evening)
 Dismayed to discover that secret chocolate stash sited in the cupboard directly above the contraption has in fact melted in the intense heat.

Disappointingly non elliptical egg

The Apprentice exhibits no indication of concern that the rest of us gimps continue to sup the deadly tap version.
Well,every man for himself I say.

'Don't worry' says Chef 'Ill take the fuse out of it tomorrow'..


Friday
Wrap interview suit in leftover Christmas wrapping paper(reversed of course..what do you take me for?) and  post off to the Sensible One.
Send text message to confirm:
'Posted suit off should arrive tomorrow,make sure you iron it'
Reply received:
'I don't have an iron'
Speechless.


Self:'Would you like some horseradish?'
Diner:'Horseradish? No dear girl,semen of the Devil that stuff..'

Regular drinker: Hey Biff,I've bought up some blank headstones at the auction...if you're interested.Bankrupted stock.Twenty quid each.
Self:Really..
Regular drinker:Think of all the pressure it would take off your family. Normally go for a couple of hundred each.
Self:Blimey.
Regular drinker:I can get one engraved with a caption of your choice,and the start date.
Then all you need to do is fill in the end date later??
Self:..............................................

Saturday
Mayhem all day.
Minor scuffle breaks out in battle for stove space.

Those pans are spanking clean inside

Drinker:Hey Biff,is that a new fondue?
Self:Fondue?
Drinker:Yes fondue..hairdo?
Self:ERM yes...
Drinker:Its a country cut.Very Shire.Nice.
Self:Thanks
Drinker:Are you going to see the Queen??
Self:...........
Drinker:Do you think I could grow my hair into that cut?
Self:(Noting Drinkers less than abundant locks):Only if you're very patient.
Saturday (evening)
Late night Masterchef viewing via the convenience of Sky Plus.
'What are they all crying for' said Chef  'there's not even a cash prize at the end of it..'

'There was no cash prize at the end'
I might use that as my caption.

Indecent proposal.

We've been hiring staff.This is very stressful.
In an effort to maintain some sort of consistency,its always the aim to engage people who can commit to some sort of definite time period.
I offered a full time(ish) position to a very personable girl who I was informed was available until next September,which in this business is about as long as you can expect.
(I wish more people would look on hospitality as a career rather than just a stopping off point as there's so much potential to progress quickly due to the lack of applicants.)
The first week went well,then ominously prior to the second week of work we were informed that she was unable to work the whole of the following weekend.
Mindful of this, the rota for the forthcoming working week was finalised with new member of staff working only a couple of weekday shifts.
On the Monday evening Chef received a text message from new member of staff informing him that she was 'stressed due to her DRIVING THEORY TEST therefore would be unable to fulfil ANY SHIFTS WHATSOEVER FOR THIS WEEK..'
Well.
On the Wednesday evening,having covered the bar all day including for the graveyard shift(3-6pm)due to being dropped in the proverbial shite, all was not jolly.
Reiterating the tale to the evening staff who came in at 6pm, as to why we were one man down that night,our barman for the evening responded in the inimitable casual way only posh boys can 'oh,she MUST BE DOING SOMETHING THIS WEEK....'
Well.
I'm surprised he couldn't see the steam emanating from my ears.
'Doing something'....And I'm NOT doing anything....I suppose..'
Chef cooked me a steak at 6pm which I had no time to eat due to the sudden influx of diners and the absence of staff.The food shortage obviously compounded the situation,lack of food makes me angry more than  anything else..
As we were dashing around my peripheral vision alerted me to a small commotion over in the bar area.
Presently I went over to the bar to collect some drinks.
Posh boy was pouring a couple of glasses of Champagne.He gestured me over.
'Biff....Female Regular has just proposed to Male Regular....(extravagant hand gesture at the glasses)....hence the Champagne.....do I charge them for it??'

Normally I'm very generous with the customers,Posh Boy will be aware of this and will have known that I would normally have given them the champagne.But on this occasion Im afraid my thoughts were less than  charitable.Along the lines of: I've been on this farking bar all day since 9a bloody m,the last thing I need is posh boy telling me to give drinks away.
My response was short and to the point.
'Do I look like I'm getting married???'
I know.
This was disgraceful perhaps even shameful behaviour.

Next morning I was having a good old chinwag with slightly more mature/cynical barmaid about the events of the previous evening,paying particular attention to the leap year proposal.
Barmaid:'The day I propose to a man is the day hell freezes over..'
Self:'yes I know'
Barmaid: 'Smacks of desperation.....did she go down on one knee???'
Self:'Yes.yes I believe she did..'
Barmaid:'Aww,how undignified....'

We were still giggling as we opened the doors to the lunchtime diners,already politely lined up outside.
By 1pm we were heaving.
I was wearing a pair of linen trousers which were clearly intended to be worn with vertiginous heels,not my comfy flats, due to the surplus fabric flapping around and beneath my feet.
I hastily collected a tray of drinks:pint of Diet Coke,Pint of Landlord and a Cranberry(I'm looking after my waterworks) juice.
You will be familiar with the gender and demographic of your average cranberry juice drinker.
I think you can probably also see where this is going...
As I trayed the drinks over to said customers,I stepped on the three to five inch surplus train of trouser fabric,effectively and efficiently tripping myself up.
I took a nose dive towards the table.I wasn't exactly starfished, but from ground level I could see the cranberry juice splatted up the poor lady's American Tan tights.The unfortunate woman was expecting to be drinking not wearing it, but at least it was headed in the right direction,I thought.....
I was instantly transported right back to my school days, which was in fact the last time Id seen this particular shade of tight.At the time the favoured lunchtime recreational activity for the girls from the Bronx was to rip the American  Tan tights from the legs of the posh girls from the right side of town...
Are you wondering which side of town I'm from............?

'I wish you weren't providing a floor show for the customers' said Chef.

This was in fact karma.
Payback for my despicable behaviour the previous evening.
Next time the Newly Engageds come through the pub door there will be a couple of complimentary glasses of Champagne awaiting them.
Do you think this will be enough to restore Yin to Yang?