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Saturday, 24 March 2012

A Day in the Life

Monday.
Mr Lavender and a Mrs Fennel reserve tables.

Tuesday
 Dr Slack and Mr Crack dine with us.
No joke.

Wednesday
Eavesdropped this 'conversation':
Wife:Its obvious the staff have done absolutely nothing since we've been away.I mean have you seen the state of the gardens?

Wife:(producing large filofax from huge statement leather bag):
'With our eldests' fourteenth birthday fast approaching, I've compiled a list of possible suggestions which you may or may not want to hear..'(delivered in forceful tone).

She then proceeds to tick off each item as she recites them to the husband describing in detail the programme and cost for each activity.
The husband never speaks throughout.

Wednesday(afternoon)
Take delivery of thirty jumbo tubs of Hellmans Mayonnaise.
Chef likes a bargain.
Hope he checked the sell by date..
Mayonnaise Fest

Note to Self: Remember to ask customers if they would like chips with their mayonnaise...
Thursday
(In a Michael Caine voice)Did you know....(that's Michael Caine the actor BTW,not to be confused with the well known and talented, similarly named Chef,Michael Caines..the one with the arm.. ) that fluoride is the devil incarnate and is responsible for all manner of ails including arthritis,cancer and Alzheimers?
Its because the metals build up in your body..
This poses far greater threat than the *other* poisons a teen may well ingest during the course of normal recreational activity.
Michael Caine the actor
Michael Caines the chef.


Mindful of this,The Apprentice procures himself (for the princely sum of £150)a Water Distiller, which takes around five hours to produce one plastic jug of water,all the while emitting an irritating constant humming noise much like an electric kettle in the early stages of boiling, but never quite reaching its climax..
Home Distillery

The distillery struggles to meet demand and gears up to 24 hour production,generating enough energy to heat domestic kitchen.Despite this, assured the cost to produce each jugful is a bargainous 60p.
This being the case,may well purchase one for each room and turn off the central heating.
Thursday(evening)
 Dismayed to discover that secret chocolate stash sited in the cupboard directly above the contraption has in fact melted in the intense heat.

Disappointingly non elliptical egg


The Apprentice exhibits no indication of concern that the rest of us gimps continue to sup the deadly tap version.
Well,every man for himself I say.

'Don't worry' says Chef 'Ill take the fuse out of it tomorrow'..


Friday
Wrap interview suit in leftover Christmas wrapping paper(reversed of course..what do you take me for?) and  post off to the Sensible One.
Send text message to confirm:
'Posted suit off should arrive tomorrow,make sure you iron it'
Reply received:
'I don't have an iron'
Speechless.


Self:'Would you like some horseradish?'
Diner:'Horseradish? No dear girl,semen of the Devil that stuff..'

Regular drinker: Hey Biff,I've bought up some blank headstones at the auction...if you're interested.Bankrupted stock.Twenty quid each.
Self:Really..
Regular drinker:Think of all the pressure it would take off your family. Normally go for a couple of hundred each.
Self:Blimey.
Regular drinker:I can get one engraved with a caption of your choice,and the start date.
Then all you need to do is fill in the end date later??
Self:..............................................

Saturday
Mayhem all day.
Minor scuffle breaks out in battle for stove space.
Those pans are spanking clean inside

Drinker:Hey Biff,is that a new fondue?
Self:Fondue?
Drinker:Yes fondue..hairdo?
Self:ERM yes...
Drinker:Its a country cut.Very Shire.Nice.
Self:Thanks
Drinker:Are you going to see the Queen??
Self:...........
Drinker:Do you think I could grow my hair into that cut?
Self:(Noting Drinkers less than abundant locks):Only if you're very patient.
Saturday (evening)
Late night Masterchef viewing via the convenience of Sky Plus.
'What are they all crying for' said Chef  'there's not even a cash prize at the end of it..'

'There was no cash prize at the end'
I might use that as my caption.

7 comments:

kitchen princess said...

Hee hee to slack and crack, did you find out what sort of Dr he was? Oh dear to Wednesday's couple. I bet the husband gives his staff merry hell to take out his aggression for the wife's hen pecking. Oh your poor choccy egg. Do not blame chef for wanting to take the fuse out.

GreyBeard said...

A tantric kettle; every home should have one.

Young at Heart said...

hellmans heaven......... my son could get through that lot in a couple of weekds given half a chance ....... my mum had a Dr. Dick....no end of hilarity!!

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

I always thought that wait-staff were all deaf.

Do you mean to say that they've all been listening in to my intimate conversations?

Well I never.

Shocked I am.


30 jumbo Hellmans...bliss.
I'm only allowed the "low fat" stuff these days.
Old fashioned egg mayonaise sprinkled with paprika...sheer bliss.
Old fashioned prawn cocktails, shredded lettuce, and pink mayonaise. I WANT THEM BACK.

Won't a good quality Reverse Osmosis Water Purifier do a better job quicker and cheaper?

There'sno cash prize at the end???

What's the bloody point of living then?

Well, maybe Foie Gras

Wally B said...

"It wos the mayonnaise wot did it", might be a fitting end inscription.

Northern Snippet said...

Millie-Medical Doctor:0
Greybeard-Ive never warmed to Sting despite him claiming Geordie heritage.
YAH-I had a teacher called Mr Pigg.Very unfortunate:(
TSB-What on earth is a reverse osmosis water purifier??
Wall-I dont think anything can touch Spike Milligans 'I told you I wasn't well'

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

It's a really great way to purify water with no fuss or heat. Singapore uses it to create good, drinkable water from waste water.

See here

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