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Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Brown soggy chips are the way forward..


We've had a bit of an issue with chips this week. To be honest they've been a bit ..well...brown,soggy and slightly sweet tasting.
Its to do with the spuds having a high sugar/starch content this time of year,resulting in the offending sweet tasting, brown flaccid specimen..
Brown chip fest

Chef was not best pleased.By Friday he was onto the fifth potato variety in an effort to produce his usual golden crisp product.
Come Saturday lunchtime his frustrations came to the fore.
'Do you know what? Id rather have a decent frozen chip than those b**tards'
'I'm surprised no ones complained' I say,supportively..
I was wincing visibly every time I delivered a plateful of the evil bleepers,steeling myself for the complaint which must surely come soon,but over the lunchtime period we actually had the chips complemented on several occasions,one punter even going so far as to say they were 'just like his dear old mother used to make'.
Due to the clement weather we were rammed all day.
At teatime,a bus-load of tourists arrived.Surprisingly they were accompanied by a bouncer who looked remarkably like the genial Harry Grout.
Southerners.
 I suspected they may have been cockneys,though admittedly I have no evidence to support this.

Chef peered through the kitchen door 'yes... definitely Southerners...you can tell by their cream crumpled slacks, flip flops and St Tropez glow'
Obviously that's not a sweeping generalisation.
Southerners have a completely different demeanour to your average Northerner.Dare I say they come across as cocky and perhaps slightly arrogant?
You see, your average Northumbrian punter will request a drink in the following fashion:
'Can I have a Pint of Amstel please'(actually they didn't request Amstel but that's what they got due to the absence of their chosen bev).
Whereas the Southern drinks order is a tad more presumptuous:
'Amstel-for-me'
Note the absence of the usual  PLEASE OR THANKYOU.
Momentarily I was slightly taken aback.
Conversely,every round I served, each of them offered me a drink and looked slightly surprised when I refused.
I think the offer of the drink is the thankyou.They were actually an amiable bunch after all.
I digress,after they'd eaten,a couple of the group called me over and enthused over the sub standard chips saying they were the best they'd ever eaten and they wished I'd come along and do the catering on their tour.
I was reiterating the conversation to Chef as Blonde Waitress burst into the kitchen,breathless and panting,the suggestion of a faint perspiration moustache apparent on her upper lip.
'Do you know who the guy at the bar is?'
'No'we say in unison.
'Its Alex Reid'
'Alex who???'We say in unison..
'He used to be married to Jordan..you know Katie Price??'
'Oh'Says chef disinterestedly... 'Who hasn't been married to Jordan?'
'No'Says the Blonde 'He's actually *pure* famous,I mean he's in Closer EVERY WEEK'
'Actually,I need to socialise more here on my days off, that's the fourth s'leb we've had in today..'
'I give up' ...said Chef.
Please don't start getting excited.
The other three were Z listers,actually they were less than Z.Yes, their s'leb ranking was quite possibly into negative equity.

As the night progressed the chip issue raised its head once more when a stray drinker wandered unfettered over to one of the dining tables and nicked a chip off someone's plate.
Well.
Yours truly had to have a word.
Unbelievably the culprits' justification for this disgraceful behaviour was that her partner had been telling her how delicious our chips were and she couldn't resist trying one.
'Here's a novel concept' I say 'why not consider ORDERING a portion then you can sit down and EAT them.....'

Toward the end of the night we were all flagging a bit.
Self:Can you get the lady on table 3 a Kir  please?
Blonde:An IKEA??
Self: No A KIR
Blonde:Whats that?
Self:You know,a Kir..a white wine with cassis.
Blonde:A white wine with SEASONING??
Self:Its ok,Ill do it..


In other news,the box of new whites I'd ordered for Chef arrived this week.
The web site of usual company we order from was down so I tried a new supplier.
Chef doesn't like change.
Anyhoo,just as I was about to click the order through I happened to notice a Chefs jacket in the bargain bucket.On the photo it looked exactly like your usual Chefs jacket..so I ordered FIVE..
However,when the jackets arrived all was not jolly.
From the front Chef looked ...well...like a Chef.
Reader,if you can remember the Kenny Everett character Angry of Mayfair,then you're on the right lines...
Angry of Mayfair

The whole of the back section of the jacket was comprised of a criss cross gauze creating a fetching string vest effect...

My popularity may be at an all time low, but I had a little chuckle to myself as I recalled the modesty of the catalogue description 'cooling lightweight jacket'..
I'm getting used to having Rab C Nesbitt around the kitchen.

Its going to be a long summer... however I do believe that brown soggy chips are the way forward.




11 comments:

Kavey said...

Ha, this made me giggle. Many times.
Ha. :-)

Nicky said...

Sexychef times ;-)

Northern Snippet said...

Kavey: hehe
nicky: Not *quite*..

kitchen princess said...

I am sitting here chuckling away, the dog is staring at me like I am off my rocker. This Southerner maybe has a bit of a farmers tan, no orange for me :)

Young at Heart said...

hilarious...perhaps a snap from the back when he's not looking??!!

Northern Snippet said...

KP-Tongue in cheek of course:)

YAT;That thought crossed my mind but believe me I would not get away with that!!

Wally B said...

I bet he changes jackets before going out into the pub. Nice one.

UrsulaFletcher said...

Hahahahaha blimey wonder what Alex Reid was doing up North LOL !!!! He likes to dress up in women's clothing, perhaps you should have given him some of the sexy chef clothing, he would have been chuffed !!!! You always make me laugh when you don't know who the celebs are, not enough free time pet LOL! !!!!


SIS XXX

UrsulaFletcher said...

Hahahaha blimey wonder what Alex Reid was doing all the way up north ? He likes to dress up in women's clothing, you should have given him one of the sexy chef outfits LOL !!! You always make me chuckle when you don't know who the celebs are, more important pressing things in your life than reading closer, leave that to me.....

SIS xxx

UrsulaFletcher said...

Woops thought the first comment hadn't posted !!!

Twisted Scottish Bastard said...

God I do so loath the people from the Deep South, especially London, or Landahn.

Get Chef to wear fishnet tights as well. This should make the whole ensemble just "sing".

I love both types of chips. The thinner crunchy ones are lovely with burgers or fried Fish, but the big floppy brown ones, especialy if fried in dripping are just great on their own, with just a drop of ketchup.

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