10 things which give me the idea you aren't going to like this place..

1.Ask for the 'printed menu' not the blackboard specials.
You know the secret menu that we keep for special customers and don't show anyone else as we don't want to sell anything from it.

2.Fling all your coats at me and watch on horrified as I drape them artfully over the backs of your chairs.
What?You expect me to employ a cloakroom attendant at these prices??

3.Request a table away from any doors/walkways/the bar/kitchen.
What you want is a private dining room, not a wonky table in a pub.

4.Tell me to respect the wine and let it breathe for at least 15 mins before pouring,then feel the bottle and place it on top of a nearby radiator,whilst tutting, accompanied by a knowing shake of the head.
Its a Chilean merlot for farks sake.

5.Talk loudly about all the 'fyne dyning' restaurants you've visited over the years,name dropping as many as possible.
Sorry 'fraid we don't have a special miniature table to accommodate your handbag..

7.Begin a sentence with 'Im surprised you don't..' and complete with a reference to the lack of a particular item,erstwhile smiling sweetly.
This may relate to the lack of a linen tablecloth,napkin,condiment,obscure liquer you enjoyed whilst on a recent sabbatical in the Dolomites or even a bloody After Eight Mint.

8.Ask me in a haughty voice to tell you about a self explanatory menu item e.g: 'Talk to me about the leek and potato soup'

Will this do?The potatoes were lovingly hand picked by Irish virgins,cooked slowly over an open flame until tender, their white flesh smooth and pillowy,leeks hand raised,nourished daily with organic beer and picked at the optimum moment of freshness..

 Its a fecking leek and potato soup-if you want you can have it in a bowl with a spoon to eat it with...

9.Tell me you haven't been before(despite having lived in the immediate hinterland for 20 years) but came because your friends insisted you try us,then repeatedly mention and compare us to a nearby place that you love that 'never gets it wrong'..

What friends?you came to prove you knew more than they did, didn't you?

10.Launch into an extended diatribe about the time that you visited The Hinds Head and they 'got it wrong'
You might as well give up now- you're on a hiding to hell with this lot.....

Sigh.