Blind date

Recently,its come to my attention that increasingly couples seem to be getting together over the internet via on line dating sites.

Being a country pub a bit of the beaten track and with cosy corners a plenty we've often spotted first dates and illicit secret liaisons. It's always nice to invent an interesting story to bring these individuals to life.
Not long ago Will.i.am and Tina Turner dropped by to enjoy a surreptitious supper together.
One couple in particular that caught our imagination would always arrive in separate cars,spend a couple of touchy feeley hours in the corner then embrace passionately in the car park( always plenty of handy bottles to take out to the bins for occasions such as this), before speeding off in opposite directions.
The very well dressed woman was in her late forties with two grown up children,one a record producer in London and one (embarrassingly) a pastry crimper in a pie factory. She always paid for the drinks.Her husband,a successful merchant banker based in Hong Kong had become bored with her and spent increasingly long periods away from home with his second young family in Thailand.She remained married to him as she had become far too accustomed to her financial and social status to consider giving it up.She made regular trips to the capital, purportedly to visit her favoured son, but primarily to top up on the expensive Botox injections at the clinic on Harley Street where she'd bumped into the diminutive Lulu on more than one occasion.
It was on one of these trips that she'd fallen for her young gentleman.Their paths crossed on a chance meeting in a fashionable bacaro on Beak St.She skidded awkwardly on a stray olive which had lain unnoticed on the tiled floor and inadvertently detached one of the heels from her Louboutins.Her suitor had gallantly come to her aid with the handy tube of Unibond which he always kept about his person for precisely this sort of unexpected occasion.He was a talented musician, having trained at the Royal Academy of Music, but had fallen on hard times so was currently scraping a living working as a pianist in a brothel(no pun intended).
They were such an endearing couple.They visited us every Sunday night for 6 months,then intriguingly were never seen again.
I believe she cleared out the joint bank accounts which it was remiss of her absentee husband not to have closed and eloped with her lover to Israel to live on a Kibbutz,rescuing him from a fate far worse than a ten week run in the pit orchestra at the Palladium playing repetitive dance numbers in a Darren Day revue show(matinees and evenings).
He's currently blissfully happy compiling his own collection of Yusuf Islam style love songs inspired by their romance, which will be produced by her son and released at her own expense in November just in time to capitalise on the Christmas market..
Sigh...
Sadly, not all matches are as successful.
The other night I happened to notice a couple who looked slightly ill at ease.
Correction.
The woman looked ill at ease.
I positioned myself nearby to polish a bit of cutlery and to eavesdrop any interesting chit chat.If you want to do a bit of light earwigging, cutlery polishing is the perfect cover as you can clatter about periodically giving the impression to your victims that you are totally disinterested and not listening in to their conversation at all.They clearly didn't know each other well,it became apparent quite quickly that this was in fact their first meeting.The man was talking constantly,but not in the nervous manner of a person rambling on to fill any embarrassing silence.He was enjoying his chatter.He liked the sound of his own voice.
The Blonde approached the table to take the order,the woman asked for soup followed by the grilled salmon.A safe and informed order for a first date-no fiddly shellfish,pasta slurping or finger licking to contend with.
In an act which I can only assume was an ill founded attempt to prove their innate compatibility her  date immediately duplicated the order exactly.
Thats got to piss you off BIG STYLE.
For a start a woman wants a man who knows his own mind and isn't going to fall in exactly with her decisions otherwise she's going to get bored very quickly indeed.I recommend a nice cut of rare beef as a first date option,ideally steer clear of anything which might be deemed a girly choice i.e. SALMON.If you happen to like salmon or any other fish-save it for the second date after you've made that all important first impression.Remember,first impressions COUNT.Secondly,four plates of identical food knocks any diversionary sampling of the other persons food on the head straightaway,and disposes of any safety net conversation talking points i.e. 'how is your meal?'
Yup pretty self explanatory isn't it-you can't really enquire how a meal is when you're troughing on an identical plate of nosh can you?
He rattled on throughout the starter and to the delivery of the main course.His date,who had her back to me barely uttering a word other than the odd 'mmhm'  'mhmmm'.He was showing her photographs on his i-phone with a running commentary on where and with whom they were taken.
'This is me and my son on holiday in Benidorm last year.I mean..how many fathers take their sons on holiday on their own??'
This is all wrong.
Its ok to tell her you took your son on holiday,hopefully she will go home thinking what a great fellow you are taking your young son on holiday on your own.Perhaps you planned to tell her this hoping she would come to this very conclusion.But the fact that you pointed out to her that you are an all round good egg totally negates any positive effects.
There were photos of him in his schooldays, then further holiday snaps of the previous years excursion to Paphos accompanied by similar cringeworthy comments noting the sons apparent startling resemblance to his father:
'Look at that,thats just me isn't it??'
His face was vaguely familiar,I was wondering where Id seen him before,just then I realised as he flashed a Care Bear smile after each smug comment.

Im lovely aren't I?

For farks sake you've only just met her.Ask her something about herself,has SHE any family??Engage her in a bit of conversation please...
At this point I overheard him say'I wonder where the Gents is'
Quick as a flash and in the first piece of conversation I'd heard her make,she turned around to address me and said with some urgency 'can you tell me where the Gents is please?'
I considered offering to distract him whilst she did a runner-perhaps she could have an urgent phone call from home..but before I'd had the chance to intervene, she was up on her feet at the bar ordering a LARGE Pinot Grigio which she promptly necked in one and was back safely in her seat by the time he'd returned from the netty.
She must have decided to front things out and get a lift home,but I was betting there was going to be no invite in for coffee and Hob Nobs after this performance.
The final nail in his coffin came with the classic:
'This is me.....when I had hair...'
Dear God.Surely everyone knows that drawing attention to your own hirsutability is unlikely to get you a second bite at the cherry.
I silently applauded her response:
'OH really?? It looks nothing like you...'
Personally, I'd sue match dot com.
*implodes*