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Sunday, 6 February 2011

Chef's Ass

Calm down.This isn't what you think it is,if you've stumbled by as a result of some dodgy internet search then I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed.Lets just take a moment to admire John Wayne's statuesque pose whilst you sling your hook.


I had a bit of a panic on yesterday lunchtime.We couldn't get the door to the pub open which when you think about it is quite fundamental to the success of the business.We messed around pulling at the door in case the torrential overnight rain had resulted in it swelling and the lock not turning(even going out via the back door and coming round the front to give it an almighty kick) but despite prolonged fiddling the key still refused to turn.By five past twelve there were around twenty people queued up outside who ordinarily might have been amused by the comedic shenanigans but given the gale force winds and rain I'm sure there were better ways to spend ones Saturday lunchtime.
In desperation I sent for Chef,perhaps his brute force might effect a result.As he stepped up to the oche I glimpsed a momentary look of dismay on his face as he clocked the increasingly impatient punters queueing orderly outside.He glanced briefly at me then calmly took hold of the handle and effortlessly pushed open the door.
The reason the key wouldn't turn was because it was already open,in fact it had remained unlocked ALL NIGHT.

 It was obvious Chef was now questioning the wisdom of  last nights late poker game and subsequent unsatisfactory short sleep.
You see, normally he is the responsible one in our relationship,he follows me around turning off electrical appliances,locking doors and has only recently convinced me to stop  leaving my car keys in the ignition 'just so I know where they are'.(serial car keys misplacer).He's very organised and meticulously plans ahead, unlike Moi who much prefers to let things happen,on the odd occasion I have witnessed the phrase 'daft as a ships cat' directed at me.
Unsurprisingly, he always takes responsibility for battening the hatches at night.
So in a rare and unexpectedly welcome role reversal, I was strutting around the kitchen with an unbearably smug face and Chef was uncharacteristically quiet.
By late afternoon the Karma police had caught up with him,clearly all was not well.

I  sensed by his waddling gait that there was indeed a problem.
I suspected he may be suffering a particularly shockingly severe case of Chef's Ass.
What's Chefs Ass I hear you say?

(NB Also known in the trade as Chefs A*se I've avoided this word in an effort to avoid being inundated with  Chef fettish interweb surfers of which there must be MANY judging by the search words which have brought weirdos individuals to this blog in the past few weeks..)

Well let me tell you, Chefs Ass *big wink* is no laughing matter.
Chefs Ass, *adopts serious face* is an occupational hazard of the busy Chef,which strikes without impunity or warning.A debilitating and quite painful condition usually occurring following extended periods endured in hot and sweaty kitchen temperatures, the resultant chafing twixt the cheeks of the ass causing extreme soreness and discomfort.


'Everything all right' (smirking).

'yes fine' (clearly not fine..)

I snapped this sneaky photo as Chef plated up at the pass.Please note,adopting a John Wayne stance is not his usual Modus Operandi...



Later that night my suspicions were confirmed(YESS!!) as I went to turn off the light in the Gents loo and something caught my eye just inside the cubicle.The sprinkling of fine white powder visible on the floor(no not that sort of powder,that sort of thing doesn't go on in this neck of the woods..)was a dead give away.
You see,the only product that successfully relieves the symptoms of Chefs Ass is a liberal dusting over the affected area with cornflour.The silky properties of this particular store cupboard ingredient  both soothes and lubricates the inflammation,allowing the delicate surface skin to recover. 
(BTW I've often wondered if Custard powder, preferably Birds,would do a similar job..has anyone ever tried ??)

Now here's the puzzling thing.In over ten years of working in searingly hot kitchens, I've yet to be stricken by this condition.Chef might try to suggest that its because I don't work so hard as he does,but I'm sure there's a much more scientific explanation.It may be something to do with gender and perhaps the physical attributes of the respective male/female ass.Possibly the wider child bearing female hips afford some protection in that the cheeks aren't forced together so closely, thus reducing friction.Or perhaps its to do with a gentleman's hind quarters being firm and (ideally) muscular whereas a ladies derriere(how can I put this politely) being an altogether more peachy proposition?

What do you think?
I'm particularly interested in feedback from any female Chefs out there,am I a freak or working in this industry should I just be thankful that I don't have those elusive buns of steel?
I'd love to hear your thoughts.

17 comments:

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

I'm constantly misplacing things too. Leaving the keys in the ignition is probably a good thing to get out of.

I hope chef's condition improves soon, poor thing! xx

Alison Cross said...

I think chef's ass and engineer's ass might be the same complaint.

I suspect hirsute butt cheeks might be at the bottom of this *groan* Sorry.

I shall pass on the cornflour remedy to Tertarus in Mexico who regularly does the John Wayne walk.

should make for some interesting galley conversation.....

legend in his own lunchtime said...

As an ex chef, I can sympathize. On one particularly hot and sweaty month in Derbyshire, of all places, I developed heat stroke AND the painful condition in the rear end, both at once. Definately more painful than the Vindaloo ring, but not as messy.
I think that women may be a bit more fastideous about keeping there private parts cleaner and sweat free, where the boys just think it is par for the course.

Northern Snippet said...

Christina-thanks recovered now!

Ali-You think? I'm not convinced, to be fair Chef doesnt have a Silverback-like butt..

Legend-Eh?Are you suggesting Chefs a bit niffy???

Young at Heart said...

mmmmmm...bummer!!

Mrs P said...

So finally we get a picture!! I don't know anything about the condition thankfully x

Choclette said...

Well, not being a chef, I couldn't possibly comment, but I've never heard of this condition before. One shouldn't laugh at other's afflictions, but really, I just couldn't help it.

Iota said...

This is one of the most informative blog posts I've read in a long time. I've learnt about a whole new medical condition and its treatment.

Maybe female chefs do suffer from the condition, but just don't complain. Same idea as man flu versus the female slight cold.

Anonymous said...

im from tropical north australia, an i think we get the best /worst chefs arse in the world ,high humidity and being a chef, shave off long arse hair and use baby nappy cream before and after, i found talc blocked the pores,shower very regulay, also do girls get it in the front as wll as the back,hope this helps

Dave J said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave J said...

Its bloody nasty I can tell you that, infact right now im nursing a bad case, and its stripped the first few layers of skin off and im way past the john wayne walk now, normally I have a pot of sudacreme in the kitchen office but its all gone :-( I did work with a female chef and she said she did get it although not so bad, maybe this is the females not moaning as much as us men or maybe she just didn't suffer from it as harshly, I would say prevention is better than cure for sure, when the weather is hot just make sure you get a good helping of sudacreme on there before anything happens. If anyone has better remedies please let me know, im in a world of pain right now and not sure what to do, other than showing the doc my ass, which is looking more and more likely as the day goes on.

Paul Windle said...

Hi Northern Snippet

Sorry for this random message out of the blue, but I have a rather unusual proposition for you. Basically I’m working on a new show for one of the UK’s main terrestrial broadcasters, the show will see people who swear by a home remedy come and pitch it to a panel of 3 GPs, discuss the ailment and the medical/scientific merits of the treatments. If the Drs think it might be a home remedy worth looking into they can choose to put it to a scientific trial to get to the bottom of whether it works or not. We are looking at all kinds of treatments for all kinds of ailments and we would really like to feature some less well known conditions… this got me thinking… I cast my mind back to when a chef friend of mine told me about ‘chef’s ass’ he told me about the various novel ways to treat it and that each chef has their preferred remedy. I have had a search on the internet and see what a big thing it is – I wondered if you would be up for talking with me about the show?

I can tell you a bit more about the show if you’re interested (which I hope you are as it will be great and hopefully a lot of fun) but if you’re not I wondered if you knew any other chefs who might be possibly interested in flying the flag for their chef’s arse treatment of choice? I love the sound of the custard powder!

Let me know what you think, email me on PaulW@Outlineproductions.co.uk or call 0207 424 7689. Time is of the essence so it would be great if you could get in touch soon.

Anonymous said...

Reply to question from anonymous: "no, women do not ever get that sort of thing at the front, there's no friction, no movement, naturally a little wet anyway and not pressed together like the butt is, it defiantly does not get heat rash, however, heat rash can happen along the knicker line where there is more sweat and friction, but I'm sure that's universal for men and women, just like chafing between legs"

Ania said...

I think that perhaps a foray into M&S lingerie department for a few pairs of Brazilians might be the solution. Though perhaps this may lead to other problems...

Alicia S said...

I always thought it had something to do with the type of pants... I've been a chef for the same restaurant since I started out, and all the guys wore the standard issue thick scrub type pants with the elastic waist. Being as they were mens sizing only, and I have woman dimesions, they never fit properly and I could wear my own pants. I wore cheap yoga type pants with a thick waistband, and I always thought maybe the waistband was catching the back sweat that dripped down so my cheeks only got dewy and not enough to chafe. That and womans underwear tends to be snug and absorb, boxers wouldn't help in that regard. That was my only idea.

Cara said...

I am a girl and currently nursing the worst case i have ever had in my life and dreading another long Hot shift today. I am afflicted with this quite often and a few things i do that help are: i use diaper rash ointment(a&d), sleep with an ice pack, and i wear tight stretchy shorts under my pants. This is the best way i have found to keep my legs from rubbing together all day. Any way, thank you for this post! Sometimes i feel like the only one who is suffering...and i mean SUFFERING from this condition.

CorbettM said...

Working in a kitchen as a female I am yet to experience chef's ass, although I have had chafing between the thighs from the hot conditions.

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